Featured

Please – Be – Gaydar

This blog is dedicated to all of the girls that are only “gay for you.”  I have been out for almost 13 years now and yet I’ve never slept with a Lesbian.  My “gaydar” is broken and instead I am plagued with the all mighty “Please be gaydar”.  You’ll be reading stories of the girls I’ve been with and each experience and lesson they have taught me and given to my life. Mixed in with random posts of thoughts and things that pop in my head. ❤ *All names and some places have been changed to protect anyone’s identity* (By clicking any links – there is a potential commission I will make.)

“People are too complicated to have simple labels.”  – Philip Pullman

i-whatta?!

ibotta!

I never thought I would be one of those “crazy coupon ladies” and I’m not but.. (there’s ALWAYS a but..)

ibotta-welcome-bonus-10-412x600

This simple app that you can download to your phone or i-pad, allows your everyday shopping become a simple cash back opportunity!  Simply go shopping, snap a photo of the bar code on the item and your receipt when you get home then redeem and watch your account earn money.  It works at most stores, the app walks you through what store has what offers; EVEN AMAZON AND I-TUNES get cash back!  Restaurants, bars, etc.

I’m learning to embrace this online coupon lifestyle because it’s truly simple and takes 30 seconds to do.  In the past year I have maybe used it one shopping trip a month and I’ve racked up almost $300 that goes into my PayPal account.  (you can choose how to redeem whether it be a gift card to a participating partner, Venmo or paypal.)  The money is there in my account within 48 hours every time!

Just follow this link below and check it out for yourself!  (if you download it and redeem a coupon within a week, you get $10 automatically to give you a jump start!)

It’s an easy to use, cash back rewards app.  I use it when I shop, and thought you would like it too! Use my referral code, imbhsyq, and you can get a $10 welcome bonus. Sign up at https://ibotta.com/r/imbhsyq

J III

“Meet the parents”

J and I used to place bets on football and the loser would have to do some random dare of the winners choosing. This one Sunday in particular J and I were going to dinner at my parents and she was going to meet them for the first time. Well her NFL team lost to my Steeler’s and she was going to be wearing vibrating panties to the dinner that night.

She was hesitant but stuck to her word and wore them. I decided to test them while sitting out front of the house, I leaned in to kiss her before getting out of the car and tapped the remote as we kissed, she bit down on my lip to the point I thought she was breaking my skin. Clearly they work and they work well, so as we walked in she was shaking my parents hands and in the midst of her saying “I’ve been so excited to meet you both!” I tapped the button. She jumped as if she had been electrocuted and I struggled holding back my laugh, she instantly turned her head towards me and stared me down with a not so pleasant look in her eyes. I shrugged my shoulders and smirked at her while shooting her a wink. The night went on, we were sitting outback talking and I would randomly press the clicker in my pocket, she would adjust herself in her seat and squirm with each press of the button.

Once dinner was ready and we went inside, we all sat at the table and J was staring at me. I could tell something was wrong and honestly if looks could’ve killed I would’ve dropped dead right then and there, I lifted my hands up and showed her I wasn’t pressing it, I couldn’t figure out why she was mad until I scooted my chair in and realized I had been sitting on the button… oops.

We continued to eat and she excused herself to use the restroom, while she was away my parents were asking “is she okay, she doesn’t seem like she feels too well.” I just smiled and said yeah, she was just so excited to meet y’all, I think it’s just her nerves and she’s overwhelmed.  The second she turned into the hallway I pressed down and held the button down for almost 30 seconds. She came out of the bathroom and mouthed “enough” at me. By then I had had all of my fun, the conversation was turning serious and we were going to be leaving soon anyways.

So for the first time of meeting my parents, I’d have to say that it was pretty memorable.

I mean, check them out for yourself… They really work! LOL

//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=50shadesofple-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B07GBW558G&asins=B07GBW558G&linkId=0b6a61f47fac4dbe5d0912a3cb31b6e9&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff

Un-love you

Some days I think I’m doing amazing, moving on and being happy on my own. Then there’s days where if you could feel even just half of the pain I feel when I get to missing you, the real missing. The ache in my stomach, the welled up tears, that lump in my throat. That heart ache, that pain, that unbearable hurt..maybe then you’d realize how much I truly and deeply loved you.

You were never just “another notch” on my “belt.” You were my entire world and universe all in one. I wanted to spend my life loving you, I had all intentions to never stop loving you and never letting you forget how important you were to me.  Everything I ever said to you, I meant from the bottom of my heart. You don’t believe in fairy tales and you’re a realist but you were the most realistic fairy tale I could’ve ever dreamt of. You were my happily ever after.

Despite anything you could’ve said or done, despite anything you can say or do.. I’m stuck loving you, I don’t know how to stop. Days like those, the days where I really miss you; I wish I could just un-love you.

54443276e33216605cca370f778df7d5

I used to take quick showers, for the past few months though I’ve been taking hour long showers. Hoping between the tears and the water, maybe I could wash away the memories. It hasn’t worked yet; all of my friends and family are tired of hearing it. You can’t even imagine how alone that makes someone feel, your friends know you’re hurting but they can’t understand “why in the hell you’re still hung up on her.” Truth is, they don’t know you how I did. They don’t know what your eyes do to me, they don’t know how the smile line in your cheek is imprinted in my brain, they don’t know what it felt like to have you in my nook. They really have no idea what I’d give to hear you say “I love you” even just once more. They don’t understand how I could say “if she were to knock on my door right now, I’d let her back in whole heartedly.”

Trying to get over you is like being at war with myself, I delete all of our photos just to re-select them all and recover them. I swipe right on tinder for a few days in a row but never send a message. I go through the motions with no intentions of following through.

So if anyone has any idea how I’m supposed to un-love the person that I can’t let go of, feel free to share..

 

Macy

Growing up in my family meant multiple vacations a year in Chokoloskee spent fishing with family and friends. I loved every vacation we had there.

This one year in particular we went with several of my parents friends and their families. I was freshly 21 years old, went through an extremely ugly break up and drinking all kinds of alcohol. My parents one friend Macy, was recently separated from her husband and we had gotten to talking just in general, we had several things in common. We made drinks and spent the first evening there making Jell-O shots for everyone so they could cool over night. We mixed the blue jello with vodka, the red with rum and the green with tequila. We had the place to our selves and were just talking more about our most recent heartbreaks while we took turns passing the left over liquor bottles back and forth taking shots out of each. I came up with the genius idea of playing “Never have I ever.”

Almost everyone knows about this game, it’s a fun way to learn “fun facts” about your friends. The questions vary from “never have I ever kissed a girl” to “never have I ever popped a Molly” to anything else you can think of that you haven’t done, that someone else playing has done. If anyone in the group HAS done it, then they’d have to drink. So now it’s just the two of us playing and obviously we are getting drunk extremely fast.

We were like two teenage girls giggling and leaning into each other on the couch. We had music playing and it was just genuinely a great memory. Macy and I ended up passing out that night on the couch, woke up the next morning around 6am to head out fishing for the day. We were all out on the water for hours that day, came back in for lunch and cooler refills. Before heading back out Macy came walking down the dock in these daisy duke shorts, the top button was undone so her bikini bottoms were peaking through, her tank top was in her hand and her gray bikini top with orange and gold designs was all I could see. I put the boat in neutral and told shouted for her to go out on the water with me this time! I was fishing on my own anyways, some company would be perfect. She hurried up, hopped on and we were off. A side note you need to understand is Choko is also called 10,000 islands. There are so many islands to get lost in and different fishing areas, finding privacy out there isn’t hard at all. So I get the boat on a plane and run south down to one of the fishing spots I know of. As I’m running, I kept glancing over and couldn’t help but to begin to notice how attractive Macy is. Yes she’s much older than I was but she had this short burgundy hair that fit her fave perfectly and when she wasn’t wearing her glasses, I could see these darker green specks in her eyes when the sun hit them at certain angles.

She was sitting next to me and was relatively close to me, but I was comfortable with her so it wasn’t a big deal.

We got to the fishing spot, I slowed the boat to a stop just off the islands ledge and oyster bar. I put the power pole down and rigged both rods up with popping corks while she made us both a drink. We did a “cheers” and cast our lines out, music playing and our conversation started back up from the previous night, talking and spending time with Macy was like hanging out with a long lost friend. I was comfortable, I was able to be myself and I was happy in the moment. After a couple hours of fishing we had gotten a couple keepers and decided to let the boat drift along the back of the islands and we laid out towels and relaxed, enjoying the sunset, music, drinks and salty air. Somehow the conversation turned into Macy questioning if she preferred women over men. I said “I’ve only been with girls that choose men, they tell me there’s a comfort level when they’re with me that they feel safe to explore their curiosity.” She sat half way up, there was a look of relief on her face. I asked what was wrong, she took a big swig from her cup looked at me and said “your parents can’t know this happens.”

Continue reading “Macy”

Rx

You are cunning, baffling and powerful.

You caught me by surprise, you pretended to be my friend and my lover all in one.

You gave me comfort, you were there when I was lonely. When I didn’t want to go on any longer, there you were.

You made me hurt and cry but would then make me so numb I wouldn’t be bothered by the two. You allowed me to stop feeling completely. You were an instant gratification.

You made me popular, we were the life of the party. Everyone wanted to be with us.

I never believed anyone that said you would destroy me, hurt me and have the potential to kill me. Heart attacks kill, car crashes kill, cancer kills. You kill.

You didn’t kill me though, you temporarily drained me. You emptied my soul and changed who I was. I can’t explain it or excuse it but I own it. I own all of my mistakes, all of my wrong doings and all of my truths.

I don’t know how many times I said “this is my last time.” It’s way too many to count, there is no explanation or grand revelation. All that matters is I’m better now, I’m not cured but I’m better.

Grief

This post isn’t a normal one for this blog but it’s weighing heavy on my heart this week, leading up to my birthday.

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.  My life feels like it’s been broken up into two parts, with Nannie and After Nannie.  (Nannie is my great grandma who was all of our world.  She was a spunky firecracker and could make anyone laugh any given day.)  After Nannie, nothing has been the same, no holiday has felt complete, everything always feels like there is a giant hole of something that is missing.

11062699_10153127130886054_7426131738890112990_n.jpg

I thought I had more time with her, even though I knew it was coming…I was never going to be prepared for it, for how bad it would hurt.  It’s a touchy subject for me, God.. but I know God broke my heart just to show me he only takes the best.

The hardest part is learning to live without you Nannie.  It is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve had to do the past two years.  August is two years since you left us and nothing has ever felt the same.  Life without you has an emptiness to it.

13903441_10154353482306054_4138370123236604313_n.jpg

They say time heals all wounds, but does it really?  You never complete grief, you just learn to endure it.  You don’t ever finish grieving because where there is deep grief, there was great love.  How do you ever stop missing that love, that person, those memories.

 

I’ll miss you forever and a day Nannie. ❤

Amy Lynn

Alex was one of my buddies from high school, we didn’t really hang out until our second year of college.  That summer we were always at the hookah bar, the beach, concerts or one of our houses for drinks and house parties.  Well this one weekend in particular, his sister (who I didn’t even know he had) had moved home for a while.  Amy, was this short but super sexy curly haired blonde girl with the complete package of ass and boobs.

So we are all at this party and I go outside to say “Hi” to everyone; there she was, this girl…she was a stop what you’re doing, take you breath away and keep dreaming type of girl.  Of course, challenge accepted; I wanted her.  I didn’t even finish seeing my friends, I walked up to her and introduced myself.  She looked me up and down, smiled and said “Hi, I’m Amy Lynn.”  Her southern accent was one for the record books, literally I melted from just four words.  We spent the night hanging outback, laughing at all the “one liners” I apparently use without even noticing.  We decided even though it was the end of June in South Florida, we were starting a bonfire.  Everyone went inside saying we were drunk idiots but I grabbed two chairs and placed them by the fire pit for us, I sat down and she sat on my lap while completely ignoring the chair I got for her.    We were out there all night, ended up watching the sunrise while the fire dwindled away.  I asked if she’d like to go to breakfast and she kissed me on my lips and said “I’d rather go lay in bed with you.”  That’s just what we did, I grabbed the hose and made sure the rest of the fire was out.  She grabbed my hand and inside we went, everyone was passed out everywhere through out the house.  Literally there was one of our friends, Trey sleeping on the dining room table with a cushion from the chair as a pillow.  We quietly stepped over everyone and tip-toed into her room.  That morning we just laid there cuddling and kissing, I asked her to go to the concert with us the following weekend as my date.  She said “I’d love to” then kissed me and we fell asleep.

Fast forward to the next weekend, we had been spending the morning trying to get ready but every time she would walk by me we would end up making out and I’d start to undress her.  She’d giggle every time, push me back some and say “save it for later, I want you later.” I kept trying all day but she indeed made me wait until later.  We had a great time at the concert, had to have a few sneak away moments so no one would catch on.  A couple of my friends did catch on though and we explained to them that we didn’t want her brother Alex finding out just yet because we weren’t even sure what “we” were and if we were anything at all besides a good time.  They completely understood and promised to keep it hushed.  The concert came to an end and we all went back to Alex’s house.  Amy Lynn and I hadn’t gotten out of the car yet, we were kissing and knew Alex was inside, so we had to stay out in the car for a few minutes.  Those few minutes ended up leading to almost an hour, she had climbed over my center console, straddled me while we were kissing.  She kept biting and kissing my neck, I knew she was leaving a mark but I let her do it.  I wanted her and having her that close to me, made me want her more.  She took off her shorts and whispered in my ear “it’s later, you can have me now if you want me.”  I went to take off her thong and she stopped me, she said “I have my clit pierced so don’t be too rough.”  I looked at this girl like I was looking at an Angel, I swear.  A clit piercing, I had never been with anyone who had one nor have I even seen one at that point.  I managed to get her thong off and gently placed my fingers between her lips so I could feel the piercing.  It was definitely there and the second I pushed against it Amy Lee rocked back and ended up pressing my horn.  We both jumped, laughed and went back to kissing.  At that point I think our friends realized we had been outside so they end up sitting on the front porch to smoke and out walks Alex.  We stayed in the car, I wanted her and I wanted her to cum before we got out.  She was so wet and we were fogging up my windows.  I knew our time was limited though so I pushed two fingers into her and kept my thumb pressing on her clit, she’d keep rocking against my fingers and tap my horn.  Every time my horn would beep they’d all be on the porch yelling “Cheers!”   (I guess you could say my friends are my greatest supporters.) HAHAHA!  So at some point while we were in my car I guess Alex decided he would scare us with his bear costume, still not knowing it was his sister I was with.  He ended up going inside getting his costume and crawling around the side of the house.  Amy Lee was moaning and breathing quickly, she was rocking against me even faster than before.  She buried her face into my neck, bit down and her right hand slapped against my window (yes, picture the titanic scene.. it was just like that.) As her hand came back to my face and she kissed me, she said “I’ve never gotten off like that.”  – The driver side door swung open and we were facing a “bear” that went from “ROARING” to “What the fuck” in a matter of seconds.

r6u

The cat was out of the bag, Alex found out and wasn’t too pleased but ended up getting over it later that summer.  We didn’t end up staying together, we remained friends and still enjoy the memories from that summer.  Oh and of course, our friends still bring up the fact that we nailed the titanic scene perfectly.