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Listen Lesbians! LOL

This blog is dedicated to all of the girls that are only “gay for you.”  I have been out for almost 13 years now and yet I’ve never slept with a total “Lesbian”.  My  friends all joke that my gaydar is broken and instead I am plagued with the all mighty Please be gaydar.  You’ll be reading stories of the girls I’ve been with and each experience and lesson they have taught me and given to my life.  Mixed in with random posts of thoughts and things that pop in my head.

*I don’t own all of the pics* All names and some places have been changed to protect anyone’s identity* (By clicking any links – there is a potential commission I will make.)

“People are too complicated to have simple labels.”  – Philip Pullman

 

**UPDATE: 1/22/2019**  I’ve been writing this blog since June 2018 – it hasn’t been long but it’s taken off well past my expectations.  It’s been viewed in just over 100 countries, I’ve sold a custom made shirt and custom made pair of socks through it.  I am beyond excited to see it grow even more and what else I can do through it’s platform; so keep your eyes pealed for more posts, more products and more stories!

J IIII

J IIII

Before getting into this story – you need to understand how toxic this person is to my life, how toxic a relationship and engagement it was.

Long story short… We were together for years, we were supposed to get married, we used together, I walked in on her cheating and we split. I got clean a little while later. She was in and out of my life for a couple of years and made an appearance once again towards the end of last year. All toxic meetings, all toxic conversations and all toxic interactions. This weekend being one of the most recent and instant regrets.

J, she is this bad habit I can’t kick. She wouldn’t stop reaching out and I finally gave in, I answered the call and let her know I had nothing to say and I didn’t want to see her. My family was away and she had driven by once or twice apparently to make sure it was just me. I heard a knock on my door and the dogs all went ape shit, I walk out to the living room and immediately felt my stomach sink to the floor, my heart was in my feet. It was her, there was no smile, there was a look of defeat and shame. I opened the door and asked what she needed, she said “I just need to see you, I just need a moment..Can I come in please?” I was in a moment of weakness, I caved. I stepped to the side and let her follow me to the couch, I said “what’s going on?” She lowered her head, covered her face and cried. I placed my one hand on her back, the other tucked her hair out of her face and said “I’m here, just talk to me.” Regardless of it all, of everything we had been through… it still killed me to see her so distraught.

J laid her head against my shoulder and I leaned in and hugged her, I felt her turn her head up towards me as I felt her tears falling down my neck. I could feel her lips press against my neck and I tried to ignore it but my hand found her chin, I pulled her up into me and we kissed. We were both crying now but never stopped kissing, there is so much toxicity and so much heartbreak between us that it somehow connects us despite our own mistakes.

She got up and leaned over kissing me, pulled on my hands, gesturing me to get up. I couldn’t deny her, I couldn’t turn it off – I kissed her the whole way into my room. We laid on the bed kissing as it got more and more intense. She pulled her shirt off over her head and pulled her yoga pants down kicking them off as they got tangled around her ankles. Her body looked exactly as I remembered, the one side of her collar bone poked out further from when she broke it in elementary school. The moles on her rib cage and hip were still there, the little scar right below her belly button from a bicycle accident when she was 14 is still there and still indented. I kissed the entire way down it all remembering every time I kissed there before.

Continue reading “J IIII”

#FindingElizabeth

I am not one who usually looks too deep into dreams or anything like that, so this will sound crazy

This one dream has been haunting me, I had a crazy dream about three years ago…

I was vacationing with a girl I was clearly with. I could see everything so vividly, her long wavy brunette hair, her teal tank top with black jeans.  The only thing that I couldn’t see was her face – it was a blank blur. We were walking down a main street that had a cobble road.  We were holding hands, laughing and the happiness I felt was overflowing.  There was military and police coming from every direction yelling we were under attack and flooding people up in to a nearby parking garage.

We all walked briskly to the top and waited up there, we heard the gun shots and what sounded like explosions, the garage started shaking, it was collapsing.. I hugged her and kissed her forehead, I said “I love you Elizabeth” and then woke up in a panic.

I have never dated or known an Elizabeth.. so the #FindingElizabeth was a tad popular for me for a while.  It was a dream that shook me, how could one person’s imagination be so wildly spastic that it ends with a dream like that.

Has anyone else ever had mind blowing, crazy dreams like that or am I the only weirdo? LOL

 

 

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Layla Layla Layla..

I wrote your post a week ago and you’ve been stuck on my mind since.

The memories that the drugs had erased are crashing back into me relentlessly.

I’ve been remembering vividly the way your hands fit into mine, the way you’d pull my arm into you while we were cuddling. It’s crazy how my lips remember the way it felt to kiss you, I can feel it all as if we were together yesterday. Your voice rings gently through my head, the softness in your tone.. it’s all clear as day.

I keep pushing the thoughts away, the slight wish for a “do-over” but I’ll keep pushing them away until you say otherwise.

Layla

 

Layla was a cheerleader at our high school, she was a year older than me so we weren’t really close in high school. When I came home from college in West Virginia, my ex and I had recently split.. it was a very rough time in my life between drinking, drugs and putting myself into extremely sketchy scenarios.  I didn’t know how to cope with the break up from my first “love”, I turned to drugs and drinking to numb any pain I was feeling.

Layla had added me on Facebook and we started messaging back and forth until one night she had asked to come over, watch a movie and hang out. I quickly ran around the house straightening up when I heard a knock at the door, I slammed back my Jameson double shot. I opened the door to see this petite brunette who looked just as I had remembered from high school, she was wearing these soft, black leggings and a gray spaghetti strap tank top. Layla’s brown eyes pierced me as she smiled and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her tightly while lifting her off the ground and spinning around, kicking the door shut behind me with the heel of my foot. I set her down and kissed her forehead and mentioned that I have all of the movies in my room. We laid in bed for a while watching a movie but I wasn’t truly watching it, she was curled up under my arm and against my chest. I was running my fingers through her hair and was just watching her face relax, I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her and seeing her in her entirety.  I was starting to fall asleep turning my day dreaming into actual dreaming when it was interrupted by her leaning up, to give me a peck on my cheek and said I’ll be right back.

I don’t know where she went or what she was doing but knowing I was getting sleepy and wouldn’t be able to stay up much longer, I quickly rolled over and took two  bumps of my cocaine from inside my nightstand hiding spot. The bedroom door opened back up and in she walked smiling, she began crawling up the end of the bed towards me.  I was starting to get nervous, not exactly knowing what to expect from all this.  She crawled up between my legs and kissed my lips gently before passionately kissing me.  She was the first person I had kissed since my breakup.

“Relax” She said to me in a whisper as she began moving down my body with small pecks.  I pushed her over so I was on top and in control, I kissed my way down every inch of her body, she let out a soft moan as I kissed her inner thighs.

“Don’t stop Cayla.” She said as I continued to with gentle kisses. I could feel myself tingling the louder she got, I pressed my tongue against her clit and she moaned while rocking her hips back into my mouth. I was in pure ecstasy and on another level, I hadn’t slept with anyone while on anything like that before. I wanted her to orgasm, I pushed my fingers inside of her.  I ran my tongue up and down her clit flickering and sucking on it entirely.

I couldn’t help myself.  Her hips were vibrating and she came really fast.  I looked up at her and smiled, she pulled me back up to her and we kissed with a gentle passion, melting back into the bed and snuggling back up enjoying the rest of our movie night.  I laid there wide awake and restless as she dosed off to sleep in my arms.

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I wish more than anything I had not used that night, I wish more than anything I hadn’t used at all. It is what it is and it is an important part of the story that made me who I am today.

 

Be a Good Human.

I am an advocate for a company called Only Human.

There was a post they put up today on Facebook that has changed a few thoughts/self awareness in me.  “Pro tip: think about the things you say online and to humans who you may think aren’t listening. Turn on more lights than you turn off. Listen more than you speak. And when you do talk, make sure you say it from your heart and not your ego.”

I am someone who tends to speak with my ego more often than not.  I am someone who turns the lights out rather than even trying to flip one back on.  I am someone with a short fuse and it seems to be getting shorter as the days go by, I need to re-evaluate myself and pay attention to the lights I’m not turning on.  I am someone that needs to step outside of myself and see what others are looking at.

It’s good to learn and grow and change, change is natural and it is necessary to become a better version of myself.   I need to work on being a good human to everyone again.

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Check on the website below

(my code is free to use for the discount!)

www.onlyhumanco.com

You can use the code OHCaylaW for 15% off any purchases you make.

 

Pain

 

While it is painful to forget someone, it is also painful to wait for someone but the truest pain, the toughest pain is trying to decide if you should wait or forget.

Pain will always come and go.  It is just one major component to the grand scheme of life and love.  It is in fact one of life’s great teachers, but it is necessary to move through it and not get stuck.

Pain can and will serve as a necessary teacher.

When we were children, it was natural for us to cry or throw a temper tantrum, it allowed the experience to move through us. Through the tears, yelling and crying, our emotions would flee and we would be washed clean in a sense.

As we got older we noticed and learned that expressing emotion in such a way was no longer appropriate, and so we were forced to develop coping strategies to deal with our feelings and emotions.

We may have begun bottling things up or just chose to run away from all of it.

Perhaps we fell into a state of mind that staying closed off and unwilling to try new things as it would keep us safe from any potential heartbreak, it would keep us safe from any rejection, and most definitely safe from future failures.

Pain comes with a sadistic side to it as well, no matter how well we know someone or something is bad for us; we continue to chase them, we continue to wait for them.  It leads us to have an inner war with ourselves as to why we should not let them go, why we should see what could happen.

If you’ve ever gotten a tattoo – there is a therapeutic release that occurs for some of us.  The pain brings ease, getting a tattoo relieves stress for me.  Many girls dye or cut their hair after a break up, to that I say… Screw Cupid’s Arrow; hit me with a tattoo needle!

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Love VS Friendship

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They always say fall in love with your best friend – but what if you fall truly in love.

I am guilty of this countless times, I have done it as long as I can remember; it also hurts a lot differently as a lesbian or gay man – you ultimately fall in love with someone that is NOT capable of giving you the same love in return, under any circumstance.  Yes, it’s fun to flirt and joke around but there are true feelings on your end that ARE in fact getting hurt.  Yeah it’s great to cuddle and kiss randomly because it’s “fun” for them – at the end of the day though, you only end up hurting yourself because you know where they stand and that it’ll never be what you want it to be.

If you’ve ever had a straight best friend that you’ve loved and had to remind yourself, it’ll never be.  It’s a tortuous cycle to put yourself through, you just really don’t have a choice except figure out how to put the feelings to the side (because we all know, there is no “turning off” your true feelings.)

All of my friends mean the world to me and I wouldn’t change the relationships for anything – that doesn’t stop me from wishing and dreaming that in another time, in another place… it would’ve happened.