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Please – Be – Gaydar

This blog is dedicated to all of the girls that are only “gay for you.”  I have been out for almost 13 years now and yet I’ve never slept with a Lesbian.  My “gaydar” is broken and instead I am plagued with the all mighty “Please be gaydar”.  You’ll be reading stories of the girls I’ve been with and each experience and lesson they have taught me and given to my life. Mixed in with random posts of thoughts and things that pop in my head. *I don’t own all of the pics* All names and some places have been changed to protect anyone’s identity* (By clicking any links – there is a potential commission I will make.)

“People are too complicated to have simple labels.”  – Philip Pullman

Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

Life moves on, so should we

I let you kiss me with wine on your lips; when I don’t even really like wine, but I took  that dose from your lips.  I got drunk from your drunkenness and remembered why it’s always late whenever you call.
All of the half assed friendships and half assed love interests..
I’m not a drunken call or text to come over.  I’m not a convenient friend, I’m not an option to you or anyone else for that matter.  I’ve made myself a priority when it comes to lov eand friendship and I wont’ let myself forget that  ever again.
Do not mistake me for that same girl.  It’s light outside and I care more about myself now.  Do not mistake me for that same girl ready to love you while you only can give halfway.
 
I don’t need you.  Text someone else when the wine hits.
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Call on me

Whenever I am going through a difficult time, I may hesitate to call even my best friends because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles.  This is especially true when I’ve been going through several challenges, even repeat challenges and I start to feel like I sound like a broken record.

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It is important to remember that at times like these our friends sincerely want to be there for us whenever they can. We can always check with them to make sure it’s a good time for them before we start talking, and if it’s not a good time, we can call back at another time, or call another friend.

I know for myself that when I have a good friend, I don’t want them to suffer alone when I am just a simple and sometimes not so simple phone call away.   I want them to call me and share their sorrows with me, as well as their joys, because this is what sharing a life through friendship is about.

It is at our lowest points that we really need to rely on our friends without worrying about if we are a burden or not.   I never want anyone to feel bad about coming to me, chances are I will reassure you that I am more than happy to be there for you.  In fact, rather than feeling burdened, I always feel better when I have been able to help a friend simply by listening emphatically while they vent or cry.

Without our friends, we would be distressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when you include your friends in the full story of your life–the good, the bad, the ugly and the in between –you begin to build authentic friendships that allow us to be who we truly are.

So if you ever feel like you need an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on or anything else; call on me to be your friend.  I’ll be there.

Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

World Kindness Day

Today is world Kindness Day and I figured a post about kindness was very fitting. 

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Kindness is an ideal that could be accessible to all of us.  One small act of kindness can make our days, weeks and even months lighter and more enjoyable. In some cases even bringing an instance of kindness to someone can put a smile on your face and theirs; days or weeks later and maybe even inspire them to share kindness with someone else.

Though it may seem simple, many cultures throughout the world and history have recognized kindness as a powerful entity. It may be the simplest way to experience and share all the grandest ideals of humanity. We can make the choice to act from the best place within ourselves at any point in time.

Kindness, in a way, acts as the oil that allows the engines of our world’s to move smoothly. We can still get where ever it may be that we are going but the ride will be much more pleasant. We can all benefit from the fact that kindness is limitless in its supply and it’s available to everyone and anyone at any given time. When we act in ways that manifest our ideals, we make the ideal our reality.

Whether you’re letting someone in, in traffic or letting someone go ahead of you in line, holding a door open or even donating money,  we actively create a universe of kindness and giving with every single choice we make. The smallest thing could bring a smile to someones’ difficult or upsetting day but it’s effects could echo and extend far beyond that one moment. We can be certain that we will receive kindness in return, but giving kindness is its own reward.

Best relationship I’ve had

If I had a dollar for every time I said “I’m going to be single for a while” or “I’m focusing on myself.” I’d had retired three years ago at age 25!

This time, something has changed inside of me, I don’t know how to explain it but its a tired feeling, tired of the endless roller coaster of my cursed “love life.” Truth is, it’s not cursed; my heart, myself, we just weren’t ready for any of them. I have yet to really love myself. Loving yourself starts with liking yourself which starts with respecting yourself which starts with thinking of yourself in positive ways. I am no where near where I need to be but I’m a work in progress and I’m working hard. Below are a few of my favorite quotes I’ve been reading through this week.

You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.”

“Demonstrate love by giving it, unconditionally, to yourself. And as you do, you will attract others into your life who will love you without conditions.

“Eat like you love yourself. Move like you love yourself. Speak like you love yourself. Act like you love yourself.”

Check out this book that helped me!!!!

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World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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