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Please – Be – Gaydar

This blog is dedicated to all of the girls that are only “gay for you.”  I have been out for almost 13 years now and yet I’ve never slept with a Lesbian.  My “gaydar” is broken and instead I am plagued with the all mighty “Please be gaydar”.  You’ll be reading stories of the girls I’ve been with and each experience and lesson they have taught me and given to my life. Mixed in with random posts of thoughts and things that pop in my head. *I don’t own all of the pics* All names and some places have been changed to protect anyone’s identity* (By clicking any links – there is a potential commission I will make.)

“People are too complicated to have simple labels.”  – Philip Pullman

Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

World Kindness Day

Today is world Kindness Day and I figured a post about kindness was very fitting. 

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Kindness is an ideal that could be accessible to all of us.  One small act of kindness can make our days, weeks and even months lighter and more enjoyable. In some cases even bringing an instance of kindness to someone can put a smile on your face and theirs; days or weeks later and maybe even inspire them to share kindness with someone else.

Though it may seem simple, many cultures throughout the world and history have recognized kindness as a powerful entity. It may be the simplest way to experience and share all the grandest ideals of humanity. We can make the choice to act from the best place within ourselves at any point in time.

Kindness, in a way, acts as the oil that allows the engines of our world’s to move smoothly. We can still get where ever it may be that we are going but the ride will be much more pleasant. We can all benefit from the fact that kindness is limitless in its supply and it’s available to everyone and anyone at any given time. When we act in ways that manifest our ideals, we make the ideal our reality.

Whether you’re letting someone in, in traffic or letting someone go ahead of you in line, holding a door open or even donating money,  we actively create a universe of kindness and giving with every single choice we make. The smallest thing could bring a smile to someones’ difficult or upsetting day but it’s effects could echo and extend far beyond that one moment. We can be certain that we will receive kindness in return, but giving kindness is its own reward.

Best relationship I’ve had

If I had a dollar for every time I said “I’m going to be single for a while” or “I’m focusing on myself.” I’d had retired three years ago at age 25!

This time, something has changed inside of me, I don’t know how to explain it but its a tired feeling, tired of the endless roller coaster of my cursed “love life.” Truth is, it’s not cursed; my heart, myself, we just weren’t ready for any of them. I have yet to really love myself. Loving yourself starts with liking yourself which starts with respecting yourself which starts with thinking of yourself in positive ways. I am no where near where I need to be but I’m a work in progress and I’m working hard. Below are a few of my favorite quotes I’ve been reading through this week.

You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.”

“Demonstrate love by giving it, unconditionally, to yourself. And as you do, you will attract others into your life who will love you without conditions.

“Eat like you love yourself. Move like you love yourself. Speak like you love yourself. Act like you love yourself.”

Check out this book that helped me!!!!

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World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Just some thoughts I need to put down.

Pages turn, chapters end and those endings NEVER come out how you would’ve thought or expected. True colors can be the greatest or the worst experience in your life, people you thought you knew; you discover they’re somebody completely different. Time changes everyone, some for better and others for worse. Lessons get learned whether you’re ready to be taught or not.

Those Blue Eyes

I don’t think you realize how easy it is to fall into the oceans that are your eyes. They stop me in my tracks and take my breath away, the way the light hits them sometimes I drown in the waves of those oceans.

Getting lost in your eyes is the equivalent of getting lost at sea, I don’t know which way is home. Truth is, your eyes were home for me and now that I don’t have your eyes the way I used to, I don’t know which way to go. I’m lost at sea with no compass, no map and without your eyes.

Somedays I think I’m better off just staying lost out at sea because what if no ones eyes have this impact on me. What if there’s never another you, never another set of blue eyes like that.

Strangers

We all start as strangers, there is no doubt about that.

The choices that we make in terms of love are usually ones that seem to be inevitable anyway.

We will find people irrationally compelling. We will find souls made of the same stuff ours are. We will find classmates and partners and neighbors and family friends and cousins and sisters in our lives and we intersect in a way that makes them feel like they couldn’t have ever been separate. And this, this is lovely.among_strangers_by_lesley_oldaker-d8j255o

But the ease and access isn’t what we crave.

 

It isn’t what I’m writing about right now.

 

It isn’t what we revolve around and worry about after it’s gone.

We are all just waiting for another universe to collide with ours, to change what we can’t change ourselves.  To fill us, to make us feel whole.

It’s interesting how afterwards, we realize that the storms always return to calm, but the stars will always be changed and we don’t choose whose collisions will change us.

We all start as strangers, but we often tend to forget that we also choose who ends up as a stranger too.