Candy Kane

No better place to start than from the beginning.   As stupid and cliche as it may sound; my first crush was none other than the one and only Mary Camden, played by the amazing Jessica Biel on 7th heaven.  She was the superstar basketball player that was continuously getting into trouble; any television show today she would’ve been the “typical lesbian” character.  Fifteen years ago, it wasn’t as accepted as it is now.  While watching the show with my family I couldn’t help but feel wrong for the way I felt about her.  That character made me question everything I was raised to believe and yet I felt happy in those moments of worry.   After realizing what I was feeling, I noticed feelings towards certain friends; one in particular being Courtney (Candy Kane.)  She was my sixth grade best friend, my classmate, soccer teammate choir partner and first REAL crush.  We had sleepovers every weekend and the scenarios that would play out in my head, I’d never admit to her until much, much later in life.  Every time she spoke, I’d watch the way her lips gracefully glided over her teeth, the way her head would tilt side to side as she brushed her hair back out of her face.  The way her cheek creased when she’d try to hold back a laugh, the list goes on.  It was an infatuation that I’d never forget and little things I had never noticed I was paying that much attention to.  Candy Kane was my first experience with jealousy.  We both had boyfriends who were best friends with each other, the only reason I was with mine was to be closer to her.  We were together by default almost every day.  Whenever her boyfriend held her hand, kissed her cheek or kissed her in general; I wasn’t envious, it was a jealousy.   Of course being in middle school, it’s all puppy love.  You get your heart broken after two weeks, two months and end up back together.  You’re young, you don’t know any better.  Well any time he hurt her, it broke my heart to see her cry but I was her shoulder to cry on and having her that close to me..I was her support, I was more than her best friend, it was vulnerable moments that she was letting me be there during.  I was her person in those moments.  It was all I ever wanted to be for her.  There was one time I almost confessed everything to her, I almost kissed her.  We used to skip class in this one empty hallway behind our chorus class; it was filled with empty closets and offices.  We used to sit in this one unused office and we’d draw all over each others hands and arms.  This one day she was drawing on my forearm when a few pieces of hair fell in front of her face, I reached out and slowly and softly tucked it back behind her ear.  The way she glanced up and shot me this crooked smile with that crease in her cheek, if that feeling is what it meant to fall in love; I fell, right then and there for her.  The ways her eyes pierced mine, she could’ve seen my soul.  She would’ve seen and known everything going through my mind and heart in that moment.  I wanted more than anything to tuck her hair back one more time, like a do-over.  Just so I could kiss her, kiss the lips I had been watching for two years.  I never did, still never have.  She is one of my best friends to this day and just recently found out the way I felt.  ❤

 

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