This isn’t a fun post for me to write, it’s actually one that scares me to write. Very few know this story but I had a nightmare last night and felt now was the time to post it.
I never pressed charges because I don’t remember saying No.
I never pressed charges because even though I drank water after water, I kept feeling more drunk.
I never pressed charges because I can’t remember what happened.
A group of friends and I were out for dinner and drinks, I had several blue Long Islands (that was my drink of choice that many years ago.) We decided to go line dancing and once we got there I ordered a water, I had at least 5 waters in our time there. We had some of our friends huddled around the corner of the bar while the rest of us were back and forth from the dance floor. My water was always with my friends so I never thought I’d have to watch it, everyone knows I’m a Lesbian; in that same sentence I never thought this could happen to me because I am a lesbian.
As the night went on I was starting to feel sick and just assumed it was the terrible blue long islands I had been drinking previously. My memory starts to spin out right about now of the rest of the night. I remember being in my passenger seat of my car, I remember someone familiar being the driver. I don’t remember taking my clothes off, let alone getting into my bed.
I woke up the next morning, next to someone I barely knew. He was a buddy of two of my friends, I don’t remember telling him he could stay; then I felt this instant nauseous and horrific feeling. The realization I was naked and sore, very sore. I jumped up and shoved him out of my bed, I screamed at him to get the fuck out! I was hysterically crying and shoved him out of my room, out of the front door and slammed it shut behind him. I was completely vulnerable, I felt betrayed by everyone and betrayed by myself. I got in the shower and cried on the shower floor while the water ran over me. I was cussing and hitting the wall, why can’t I remember saying NO!? Why can’t I remember what happened!? I didn’t say yes. How could someone do that to me, to any human for that matter.
I swore it’d never be me.. how could it happen to me, I am a lesbian!!! But it did, it did happen to me. I haven’t spoken to those friends who let him drive me home since that night, it’s been almost 5 years now.. I can’t watch certain scenes on TV shows or movies without the lump in my throat and uncontrollable urge to throw up.
Someone actually told me “if you didn’t say no, was it really rape?” That question sits heavy with me, I know I wouldn’t have wanted it and I know it would NOT have happened if I had been sober.
So yes, it was rape- he knew who I was, he knew I am a lesbian, he knew I didn’t like him like that. Yet he took advantage and took something from me that no one ever should’ve without MY CONSENT!