Before getting into this story – you need to understand how toxic this person is to my life, how toxic a relationship and engagement it was.
Long story short… We were together for years, we were supposed to get married, we used together, I walked in on her cheating and we split. I got clean a little while later. She was in and out of my life for a couple of years and made an appearance once again towards the end of last year. All toxic meetings, all toxic conversations and all toxic interactions. This weekend being one of the most recent and instant regrets.
J, she is this bad habit I can’t kick. She wouldn’t stop reaching out and I finally gave in, I answered the call and let her know I had nothing to say and I didn’t want to see her. My family was away and she had driven by once or twice apparently to make sure it was just me. I heard a knock on my door and the dogs all went ape shit, I walk out to the living room and immediately felt my stomach sink to the floor, my heart was in my feet. It was her, there was no smile, there was a look of defeat and shame. I opened the door and asked what she needed, she said “I just need to see you, I just need a moment..Can I come in please?” I was in a moment of weakness, I caved. I stepped to the side and let her follow me to the couch, I said “what’s going on?” She lowered her head, covered her face and cried. I placed my one hand on her back, the other tucked her hair out of her face and said “I’m here, just talk to me.” Regardless of it all, of everything we had been through… it still killed me to see her so distraught.
J laid her head against my shoulder and I leaned in and hugged her, I felt her turn her head up towards me as I felt her tears falling down my neck. I could feel her lips press against my neck and I tried to ignore it but my hand found her chin, I pulled her up into me and we kissed. We were both crying now but never stopped kissing, there is so much toxicity and so much heartbreak between us that it somehow connects us despite our own mistakes.
She got up and leaned over kissing me, pulled on my hands, gesturing me to get up. I couldn’t deny her, I couldn’t turn it off – I kissed her the whole way into my room. We laid on the bed kissing as it got more and more intense. She pulled her shirt off over her head and pulled her yoga pants down kicking them off as they got tangled around her ankles. Her body looked exactly as I remembered, the one side of her collar bone poked out further from when she broke it in elementary school. The moles on her rib cage and hip were still there, the little scar right below her belly button from a bicycle accident when she was 14 is still there and still indented. I kissed the entire way down it all remembering every time I kissed there before.