I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.
In honor of the 4th of July, I decided it was the perfect blog entry to post.
About five years ago I met this girl named Jenn, she had dated a mutual friend for a few months and had her heartbroken by him.She was starting to move on and had no plans for the 4th due to the break up; I had mentioned to her every year we do a block party at my house and shut down the street, over abundance of food, alcohol and loud music. The kids run around, bikes, scooters and ride on toys throughout the street since there is no thru traffic. There’s tables and chairs, tents and corn hole in every yard. I told Jenn she was more than welcome to come, I had a couple other friends coming as well. We had been texting the week leading up and there were little flirtatious passes on both sides, she mentioned she didn’t want to drive if she drank so I dropped the little “you don’t need an excuse to cuddle with me.” I made a comment about bringing a swim suit because of the pool and her response was “I know you want to see me in little to no clothing.”The day of the BBQ she had come over early to help set up, I was in the shed grabbing the tables and chairs when the door had shut (which was the only lighting inside of the shed) I turned around to push it back open and Jenn was right there, I didn’t even hear her approach me! She grabbed the side of the table I was holding, brought her face right up to mine, her nose was against my chin. She slowly and so softly moved her nose over my lips and to mine. She tilted her head to where our lips were a hairline away from each other, flashed me a smirk and said “you’ll have to wait until later for this.” Then smiled, laughed and walked away with the table I was carrying.I followed her out to the front yard with chairs, as I was opening them up and setting them out at tables my parents came out and said they had to run to the store; that we could relax until they got back to help more. We both finished setting up what we had brought out and went inside to relax and watch TV. Jenn was sitting a seat away from me on the couch, I grabbed a pillow and used her lap to lay down. She was instantly running her hands through my hair and kept tracing my ear with her pinky. I was getting chills down my spine because of it. I finally couldn’t take it, I kept replaying her teasing me in the shed and I wanted to know what her kiss was like. I sat up and just grabbed her face and pulled her into me. She leaned right back into me and we sat there kissing for a few minutes when she pulled back and said “that’s enough for now, I can’t let you have your way all at once now can I?” I wished so much she would’ve, I wanted her, I wanted more. Her kiss was addictive to me, the way she traced my bottom lip with her tongue right before biting it. I didn’t want to stop, she sat back and shot another smirk my way and said “I’m not this easy Cay.”Throughout the night we’d find ourselves in an area where no one else was and steal a couple kisses every chance we got. We had an amazing time and it was almost time for fireworks, our yards and street were beginning to fill up and I came up with the brilliant idea that I wanted to get on get roof for fireworks, I leaned over the back of Jenn’s chair and said “follow me.” She got up and walked in the house after me, I grabbed two beach towels and slipped out of the back door. She was insisting I tell her what we were doing but I just kept saying “you’ll see, trust me.” Continue reading “Jenn”