It is what it is

Nothing I ever do seems good enough for anyone, maybe that’s why I am so hard on myself and why I am constantly angry with myself. How could I expect myself to have confidence and an ounce of self worth and pride when I don’t get it from anyone else in my life.

I’m not stupid, I know I care too much, I love too hard, forgive too easily and I know I come off too strong. I feel like I do this to make up for whatever it is I may be “missing” inside myself. Yes, a lot of people take advantage of it and a lot of people try to walk all over me.

9 times out of 10, I lay down and take it. Then there are those rare occasions that I choose to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in.

I tirelessly work towards a future and whatever I think will make me happy; yes it changes often.

I don’t really know where I was going with this post, besides the fact that I know I have a good heart and if that’s not enough for you or if it’s “too much”… well it’s going to be your loss from now on.

I’m no longer blaming myself and giving out unnecessary apologies for being who I am.

-Goodnight

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Ava

Ava is an inspiring woman. She is drop dead gorgeous without even trying but when you get to know her on a more personal level she is also funny and goofy and it makes her ten times more beautiful inside and out. To try and put into perspective the unwavering attraction I had towards Ava, well let’s just say, if beauty were power and a smile was it’s sword, this woman would rule the entire world.

 

I had been crushing on her for a while and I knew she wasn’t gay but let’s be honest, that’s never stopped me before. We both work our asses off and had been hanging out frequently in our free time. We decided to take a girls trip and just have a stress free weekend away with drinks, laughs and just simply relax. In conversation I’d drop little hints to see if there was a chance of anything happening between us. She entertained the conversations a bit, but ultimately it’d end with me still unclear on if any thought like that was crossing or had already crossed her mind.

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We spent the next two weeks counting down and trying to plan everything we were going to do. The day finally came and we had a mimosa at breakfast and hit the road. Our conversations were flowing, we had laughs and even serious heart to hearts about our personal lives – it was a genuine bonding time on the way to our weekend getaway. Once we got there, the hesitation was almost non-existent. Drinks were poured and the night was beginning. Drink after drink I was getting more and more comfortable and we were getting more and more intoxicated. That first night we had dinner and drinks on the water, went to a local hole in the wall bar and laughed at the drunk people (not even considering the fact that we were the drunk people too). On the way home Ava was singing along to every song that came on, her eyes and smile lit up the darkness that filled the car.  Every street light we passed I watched the light cross her face and I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to kiss her.

 

The night winded down and we headed to bed in the early hours of the morning. Laying next to her I could feel her leg brush mine, her body was so close that her hair was tickling my shoulder but I was too nervous to try anything. That fear of rejection is crippling and there was so much more than my pride on the table, and the possibility of multiple friendships being affected.  I just rolled over and the next thing I knew it was 8:30 am; I was awake and we were still drunk! Personally I feel waking up drunk is a feeling everyone should experience once in their life!

We ate breakfast and sobered up just long enough to make it out to the lake and have a drink by 11:30 am. We spent our day out in the sun relaxing with drinks in our hands for most of the day, until we came back to shower and get ready for the night ahead. The nights plan was dinner and the local bar to enjoy the last night of our getaway. We drank even more, played darts and while we were sitting in the bar she touched my leg in a way she hadn’t before. There was this closeness I felt with her, more than before. We decided to turn in earlier that night. We got back and laid in bed watching TV. This night, something was different; there was this sensualness to it. We were laying closer, her leg laid over mine and my hand was rested on her thigh. I felt this need to be close to her, almost like it was magnetic. Everything in me kept pulling me towards her, and I started running my fingers in place on her thigh. Ava moved her leg close to me and I could feel her pushing her hips towards my hand. I kept running my fingers up and down her inner thigh until she reached down and moved my hand into her shorts. I pushed myself up onto my other elbow and leaned in to kiss her. When our lips touched it was like this explosion in me that had been waiting to erupt. I kissed her over and over, and that built up a want of her which almost instantly turned into a need and I needed to keep touching her. I pushed her shirt up with my free hand and kissed my way down her chest, to her hips and when I got to her inner thigh I gently bit my way towards her pussy. Her moans were getting louder and as I pressed my tongue to her clit, she reached down and pushed my face into her more. I never wanted to come up, she was getting louder so I reached up to cover her mouth. She pulled me up to her and kissed me, then tried to reach down my shorts and I pinned her hand above her head and went back to kissing her. This went on two more times until she pulled away from my kiss and said “Give me that pussy.” I had never had someone demand from me like that, I don’t know what came over me but I let her touch me and for someone who had never been with another girl, she knew just what to do.

We spent the night together and promised to keep it between us. Clearly no one is going to know her real name or real details. (She also gave me permission to post this) That weekend was a weekend of fun and memories that were a once in a lifetime thing (most literally). Our friendship is back to normal and all is well in the world!

 

Just a day in the life.

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you.”

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you for the day.”

……About 30 minutes later

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you.”

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you for the day.”

Coworker: “you can’t bless me for the day, you already did.”

Me: “I am Lord of the Lesbians, I will bless whoever and however many times I want.”

Coworker: “you should make that your new blog.”

LMAO 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 well here we are.

It’s time

I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.

I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.

Tiff

The evening had already been filled with laughter and gossip, catching up on so much news I felt I had missed since the last time we were together. It was a simple evening just the two of us but we hadn’t stopped laughing and gossiping and of course the alcohol flowed as it always does allowing for more conversation to expand past just friends, we laughed and joked about girls, guys, our experiences and even sex toys. Standing in the kitchen I couldn’t help catching a moment as I looked at her, I felt as if I was looking at her with someone else’s eyes, seeing something different maybe. It was just in that split second, nothing more, but in that time I felt a little too turned on, or was it just all of that alcohol flowing through my body. Watching her in a way she laughed, her relaxed demeanor, she this radiant glow revealing the little wild spirit hidden deep inside her that I enjoyed to see.

I quietly watched as she reached in to the fridge to get a little more to drink, ensuring our glasses stayed topped up while our night continued. As she did, I found myself feeling a little more playful and without any thought I touched and I grabbed her arm to help balance her as she swung the fridge door shut. An innocent movement but in doing so and making that physical connection I felt a spark of excitement, like fireworks exploding in my chest. I’m still not sure why, but I did. Our bodies were close, as they had been most of that night, allowing us the intimacy to talk and chat and pour our drinks. I loved that I could smell the thousand kisses perfume she always wore, a perfume I only ever associated with her. I became more aware of the closeness but I found it suddenly more attractive and so extremely intimate. It was just a second, that’s all it took, a second in which I caught her eye, the talking stopped in that moment I found myself leaning in and kissing her soft, gentle lips. I didn’t hesitate or move, but found her kissing me back. Our lips at first testing the response before allowing so much more to happen. I closed my eyes and enjoyed that moment we were exploring together as we kissed with passion and appeal, neither of us pulling away.

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I hugged her in close to me and lifted her up onto the counter, her hand stretched out to the side of the fridge and knocking magnets off. We pulled away from that kiss and laughed, my hand rested on her jaw line as we looked into each other’s eyes. She smirked at me and leaned in for another kiss, content and comfortable; our kisses continued. Our hands moving around each other’s bodies and through each other’s hair. I pulled away from her and said “wait right here.” I ran to my bedroom because I wanted to try out a new toy I had just gotten. I came back and she grabbed my face, pulling me into her kiss.

Continue reading “Tiff”

Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!