Layla Layla Layla..

I wrote your post a week ago and you’ve been stuck on my mind since.

The memories that the drugs had erased are crashing back into me relentlessly.

I’ve been remembering vividly the way your hands fit into mine, the way you’d pull my arm into you while we were cuddling. It’s crazy how my lips remember the way it felt to kiss you, I can feel it all as if we were together yesterday. Your voice rings gently through my head, the softness in your tone.. it’s all clear as day.

I keep pushing the thoughts away, the slight wish for a “do-over” but I’ll keep pushing them away until you say otherwise.

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Layla

 

Layla was a cheerleader at our high school, she was a year older than me so we weren’t really close in high school. When I came home from college in West Virginia, my ex and I had recently split.. it was a very rough time in my life between drinking, drugs and putting myself into extremely sketchy scenarios.  I didn’t know how to cope with the break up from my first “love”, I turned to drugs and drinking to numb any pain I was feeling.

Layla had added me on Facebook and we started messaging back and forth until one night she had asked to come over, watch a movie and hang out. I quickly ran around the house straightening up when I heard a knock at the door, I slammed back my Jameson double shot. I opened the door to see this petite brunette who looked just as I had remembered from high school, she was wearing these soft, black leggings and a gray spaghetti strap tank top. Layla’s brown eyes pierced me as she smiled and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her tightly while lifting her off the ground and spinning around, kicking the door shut behind me with the heel of my foot. I set her down and kissed her forehead and mentioned that I have all of the movies in my room. We laid in bed for a while watching a movie but I wasn’t truly watching it, she was curled up under my arm and against my chest. I was running my fingers through her hair and was just watching her face relax, I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her and seeing her in her entirety.  I was starting to fall asleep turning my day dreaming into actual dreaming when it was interrupted by her leaning up, to give me a peck on my cheek and said I’ll be right back.

I don’t know where she went or what she was doing but knowing I was getting sleepy and wouldn’t be able to stay up much longer, I quickly rolled over and took two  bumps of my cocaine from inside my nightstand hiding spot. The bedroom door opened back up and in she walked smiling, she began crawling up the end of the bed towards me.  I was starting to get nervous, not exactly knowing what to expect from all this.  She crawled up between my legs and kissed my lips gently before passionately kissing me.  She was the first person I had kissed since my breakup.

“Relax” She said to me in a whisper as she began moving down my body with small pecks.  I pushed her over so I was on top and in control, I kissed my way down every inch of her body, she let out a soft moan as I kissed her inner thighs.

“Don’t stop Cayla.” She said as I continued to with gentle kisses. I could feel myself tingling the louder she got, I pressed my tongue against her clit and she moaned while rocking her hips back into my mouth. I was in pure ecstasy and on another level, I hadn’t slept with anyone while on anything like that before. I wanted her to orgasm, I pushed my fingers inside of her.  I ran my tongue up and down her clit flickering and sucking on it entirely.

I couldn’t help myself.  Her hips were vibrating and she came really fast.  I looked up at her and smiled, she pulled me back up to her and we kissed with a gentle passion, melting back into the bed and snuggling back up enjoying the rest of our movie night.  I laid there wide awake and restless as she dosed off to sleep in my arms.

jvm

I wish more than anything I had not used that night, I wish more than anything I hadn’t used at all. It is what it is and it is an important part of the story that made me who I am today.

 

Be a Good Human.

I am an advocate for a company called Only Human.

There was a post they put up today on Facebook that has changed a few thoughts/self awareness in me.  “Pro tip: think about the things you say online and to humans who you may think aren’t listening. Turn on more lights than you turn off. Listen more than you speak. And when you do talk, make sure you say it from your heart and not your ego.”

I am someone who tends to speak with my ego more often than not.  I am someone who turns the lights out rather than even trying to flip one back on.  I am someone with a short fuse and it seems to be getting shorter as the days go by, I need to re-evaluate myself and pay attention to the lights I’m not turning on.  I am someone that needs to step outside of myself and see what others are looking at.

It’s good to learn and grow and change, change is natural and it is necessary to become a better version of myself.   I need to work on being a good human to everyone again.

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Check on the website below

(my code is free to use for the discount!)

www.onlyhumanco.com

You can use the code OHCaylaW for 15% off any purchases you make.

 

It is what it is

Nothing I ever do seems good enough for anyone, maybe that’s why I am so hard on myself and why I am constantly angry with myself. How could I expect myself to have confidence and an ounce of self worth and pride when I don’t get it from anyone else in my life.

I’m not stupid, I know I care too much, I love too hard, forgive too easily and I know I come off too strong. I feel like I do this to make up for whatever it is I may be “missing” inside myself. Yes, a lot of people take advantage of it and a lot of people try to walk all over me.

9 times out of 10, I lay down and take it. Then there are those rare occasions that I choose to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in.

I tirelessly work towards a future and whatever I think will make me happy; yes it changes often.

I don’t really know where I was going with this post, besides the fact that I know I have a good heart and if that’s not enough for you or if it’s “too much”… well it’s going to be your loss from now on.

I’m no longer blaming myself and giving out unnecessary apologies for being who I am.

-Goodnight

Disney and the LGBT community

Y’all for decades, Disney has supported the LGBT community.  

  • They had their first “Gay Day’s” in 1991 – a week full of celebrating the LGBT community IN THE PARKS and making certain that Disney is a “safe place” for us.
  • They provide health benefits to employees and their “Partners” since 1995.
  • 2007 was the first “fairy tale wedding” that involved a same-sex couple.
  • George Kaolgridis is the damn President of Disney and he is OPENLY GAY y’all.

So to all of you on Facebook throwing a fit over this photo that the Fairy tale wedding Facebook page posted…..

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Ya’ll are showing so much hate from this photo of TWO PEOPLE, TWO HUMANS in love….. Just a reminder for you of other things also called an “abomination” in the Bible:

Egyptians eating with Hebrews;

having an image of another god in your house;

sacrificing your child;

hating thy neighbor;

having sex with your wife when she is menstruating;

taking your wife’s sister as a second wife;

and eating pork.

Banned likewise is wearing mixed-fabric clothing, interbreeding animals of different species, tattoos, mocking the blind by putting obstacles in their way, and trimming your beard.

As you can see, there is quite an assortment of ancient laws, some of which seem to make good sense and others of which the majority of Christians no longer keep.  To claim one set as timeless truths while ignoring the others is hypocritical and goes against the grain of the text itself!

My final remarks…. y’all probably masturbate to Lesbian porn BUT that’s your sin to handle. 

 

Just a day in the life.

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you.”

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you for the day.”

……About 30 minutes later

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you.”

Coworker: *sneezes*

Me: “bless you for the day.”

Coworker: “you can’t bless me for the day, you already did.”

Me: “I am Lord of the Lesbians, I will bless whoever and however many times I want.”

Coworker: “you should make that your new blog.”

LMAO 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 well here we are.

It’s time

I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.

I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.