Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

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Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Just some thoughts I need to put down.

Pages turn, chapters end and those endings NEVER come out how you would’ve thought or expected. True colors can be the greatest or the worst experience in your life, people you thought you knew; you discover they’re somebody completely different. Time changes everyone, some for better and others for worse. Lessons get learned whether you’re ready to be taught or not.

Britt

This next girl I met through social media. Britt is this stunningly and smoking hot girl who has thousands of followers, I was crushing on her for a good while. She has a bunch of tattoos and the way her smile is so infectious was just mind blowing. Her voice was this raspy but sexy tone and her laugh, I’d do anything to hear it when we spoke. I got the chance to get to know her a bit before she ghosted me, she was a kind and beautiful soul who had been through some rough shit and I wanted to continue to get to know her more. I kept trying to reach out but after 3 days, I let it go.

A little bit over a year went by before I spoke to her again, it was like she came out of nowhere. I was just going through a break up and so was she, we were each other’s ears to listen to. She lived in Tampa and was willing to drive down for the Holiday weekend, I was nervous as hell but super excited. (I hadn’t met her in person yet.) She got in town and I showed her around a bit, it wasn’t awkward or anything at all to my surprise. We ended up going out that night for drinks with a few of my friends, she fit right in and it was kind of surreal in the aspect of the fact that I hadn’t had a day where my ex didn’t cross my mind until that night with Britt.

We had an amazing night out, several drinks and plenty of laughs. We had a heart to heart talk about both of our break ups and I just genuinely felt closer to her in a matter of a few hours. We got home and as we laid down, she placed her head on my chest. I played with her hair for a bit while we kept talking, she was slowly turning her face up towards me when I leaned my head down to meet hers. I sat up some to kiss her, my hand gently resting under her jaw line I pulled her closer into our kiss.

Continue reading “Britt”

Macy

Growing up in my family meant multiple vacations a year in Chokoloskee spent fishing with family and friends. I loved every vacation we had there.

This one year in particular we went with several of my parents friends and their families. I was freshly 21 years old, went through an extremely ugly break up and drinking all kinds of alcohol. My parents one friend Macy, was recently separated from her husband and we had gotten to talking just in general, we had several things in common. We made drinks and spent the first evening there making Jell-O shots for everyone so they could cool over night. We mixed the blue jello with vodka, the red with rum and the green with tequila. We had the place to our selves and were just talking more about our most recent heartbreaks while we took turns passing the left over liquor bottles back and forth taking shots out of each. I came up with the genius idea of playing “Never have I ever.”

Almost everyone knows about this game, it’s a fun way to learn “fun facts” about your friends. The questions vary from “never have I ever kissed a girl” to “never have I ever popped a Molly” to anything else you can think of that you haven’t done, that someone else playing has done. If anyone in the group HAS done it, then they’d have to drink. So now it’s just the two of us playing and obviously we are getting drunk extremely fast.

We were like two teenage girls giggling and leaning into each other on the couch. We had music playing and it was just genuinely a great memory. Macy and I ended up passing out that night on the couch, woke up the next morning around 6am to head out fishing for the day. We were all out on the water for hours that day, came back in for lunch and cooler refills. Before heading back out Macy came walking down the dock in these daisy duke shorts, the top button was undone so her bikini bottoms were peaking through, her tank top was in her hand and her gray bikini top with orange and gold designs was all I could see. I put the boat in neutral and told shouted for her to go out on the water with me this time! I was fishing on my own anyways, some company would be perfect. She hurried up, hopped on and we were off. A side note you need to understand is Choko is also called 10,000 islands. There are so many islands to get lost in and different fishing areas, finding privacy out there isn’t hard at all. So I get the boat on a plane and run south down to one of the fishing spots I know of. As I’m running, I kept glancing over and couldn’t help but to begin to notice how attractive Macy is. Yes she’s much older than I was but she had this short burgundy hair that fit her fave perfectly and when she wasn’t wearing her glasses, I could see these darker green specks in her eyes when the sun hit them at certain angles.

She was sitting next to me and was relatively close to me, but I was comfortable with her so it wasn’t a big deal.

We got to the fishing spot, I slowed the boat to a stop just off the islands ledge and oyster bar. I put the power pole down and rigged both rods up with popping corks while she made us both a drink. We did a “cheers” and cast our lines out, music playing and our conversation started back up from the previous night, talking and spending time with Macy was like hanging out with a long lost friend. I was comfortable, I was able to be myself and I was happy in the moment. After a couple hours of fishing we had gotten a couple keepers and decided to let the boat drift along the back of the islands and we laid out towels and relaxed, enjoying the sunset, music, drinks and salty air. Somehow the conversation turned into Macy questioning if she preferred women over men. I said “I’ve only been with girls that choose men, they tell me there’s a comfort level when they’re with me that they feel safe to explore their curiosity.” She sat half way up, there was a look of relief on her face. I asked what was wrong, she took a big swig from her cup looked at me and said “your parents can’t know this happens.”

Continue reading “Macy”

Molly

A few times a year my family and I go fishing on the west coast of Florida to this beautiful little island called Chokoloskee. This was one of the first vacations there I decided to bring my girlfriend, Molly and I dated for a few months before she went on a family vacation with us there. Just so you have some insight, Molly’s family wasn’t very accepting of us. Her mom would always pray with her before any trip but this one, she didn’t; Molly even asked and she wouldn’t. Before getting on the road, we stopped for gas and while the pump was on I walked over to her side of the truck, I grabbed her hands and I prayed for our trip, I prayed that the fishing God’s would take care of our catches and I prayed with everything in me that her mom would open her heart to this. (She never did but I did all I knew how to in that moment.) We got on the road and it was pure bliss, just us two driving with my hand stretched across on her leg, 90’s and 2000’s music playing. She was taking hundreds of photos of us and kept leaning over to place her head on my shoulder, I was on top of the world in that moment. We got to the vacation house where everyone already was setting up, we had our camper there and we roamed the island before unloading and heading down to the dock and boats. She walked everywhere with me while holding my hand, she’d sneak kisses and hugs every chance she got. We grabbed some beers and headed out on the golf cart to go show her Worley Street and the other parts of the island like Small woods museum and store.By the time the sun was going down we had put back several beers each and had a decent buzz going, we headed back to the camper to put the golf cart away, then went to meet everyone at the tiki bar where they were grilling up dinner. It is always an amazing time out there and with Molly by my side this trip, it was the best yet.

The liquor was brought out at some point, somewhat of a blur but I know it was followed with nothing but smiles and laughs.It was officially dark out and we had cleaned up dinner, everyone was heading back up to the campers for showers and calling it a night.

Now to give you a bit of a background into this, I was Molly’s first (and only) girlfriend and I had been asking her to “sit on my face” but she was never comfortable doing it.

**PSA TO ALL GIRLS – YOU WILL NOT SUFFOCATE SOMEONE BY SITTING ON THEIR FACE, OKAY?!**

Okay, back to my story…

After a day full of alcohol and day drinking, she came into our room after her shower in just her towel, she laid next to me, kissed my cheek and whispered “I want to try it.” I turned my head, super confused and said “try what?” She pushed me back onto the pillow, put her hands on my shoulders. Her towel dropped and revealed her still slightly wet body from the shower. She pulled one leg over me, leaned down kissed me one time on the lips, shot this innocent but oh so evil smirk at me and goes “Everyone went to bed, I’m going to sit on your face.” I definitely was NOT about to put up a fight, I had been practically begging her for months to let this happen. I laid back as she slowly kneeled so her clit was right above my lips, I grabbed her hips and pulled my mouth into her. I felt her hips twitch forward and she let herself ease down a bit more, her arms were pressed against the wall as she began to rock against my tongue while I just kept pulling her hips into me. She reached down and had a grip of my hair, I opened my eyes to enjoy the view and let me tell you what. It was perfection, I looked up and just admired everything about her right then, the way her hips were moving, her belly button sucking in with her stomach as she had a grip of my hair with one hand and her other hand was running through her own hair, her head was leaned so far back, her jawline was so refined. Her gasps were getting shorter but louder when finally she pushed her hips back, bent over me and as she caught herself on the wall, I heard what sounded like someone breaking the wooden board in karate. She popped up and threw her towel back on while whispering “oh my god, oh shit, oh my god!”Well ladies and gentleman, she lost her grip and put her hand through the wall that just so happened to be connected to my parents bedroom. We did what anyone would’ve done in that scenario, propped up a pillow, laid down and pretended to be asleep.The next morning I woke up early, went outside and picked a couple flowers from the flower bed.  I made a quick breakfast, English muffin with Nutella, sliced up banana and a chocolate donut.  As I was walking towards our room, my dad came around the corner and said “so, how’d you sleep?” There was that all knowing look in his eyes I tried to see past as I said “we passed out, so fine.” He laughed and goes “just fix the wall.”Needless to say the rest of vacation we kept our heads low and didn’t drink much.