I didn’t say Yes..

This isn’t a fun post for me to write, it’s actually one that scares me to write. Very few know this story but I had a nightmare last night and felt now was the time to post it.

Continue reading “I didn’t say Yes..”

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Don’t mind me while I sob during Savasana

 

18198541_1686181698351693_3657995410615878637_n     The practice of yoga is one I am most unquestionably a beginner at and I am proud of being a beginner, I have amazing instructors and friends at the studio I go to.  During the course of a class there is a sequencing of Asanas, there’s holding of poses.. scattered with slight reflections along with the careful placement of restorative moments and then there’s the instructor who just seems to be speaking right to me; it’s like a horoscope…how do THEY KNOW what I AM going through?! It all leaves my heart gaping wide open and pulsating with emotions. “Inhale, and exhale. On the exhale, sigh ‘let…gooo…”

That phrase “let go” is purely simple but declares passionately to everyone in their own way. Whether you are genuinely happy, whether you are still in love with someone, or you’re in a job that is leading you astray, or you’re holding onto a belief, grudge or regret that is no longer serving you or if it’s all of the above…”let go,” will typically cover it for everybody.

Here in this room we have our instructor who is the guide but we do the inner work that leads to a feeling of overwhelming emotional connection with our souls. We step out of the world’s havoc and chaos, into a hot and low lit studio after a long day of being who the world expects us to be. We get to let all of the stress and anxiety go, even if it’s just for an hour.

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Last night was my first night back to Casa D Hot Yoga in almost 6 months. To my surprise I went through the entire Vinyasa class feeling stronger in my flow of poses than I had in a very long while.

Yet that moment when I stopped moving, the urge to cry overcame me like waves in the ocean and my tears started their own strong flow. I am not one who cries very easily, and most definitely not anywhere in public. I might let a tear or two out, but unless I am alone, I tend to suck it up and move on but in the silence of that room, the stillness of my body and the calmness of my mind, everything I had been bottling up and all of the tension I had left unresolved. It all over flowed and came bubbling to the surface. It felt as if I was carrying around baggage I thought I had unpacked, instead it was collecting dust and adding weight to itself that I was unaware of. That Savasana Sob was a release of anger, hurt, frustration and sadness I had been allowing to weigh myself down for months.

So if you catch yourself sobbing during your Savasana, let it happen. It’s a part of healing, it’s a part of moving on and it’s what your mind, body and soul need in that moment; let the tears flow.

 

 

It’s time

I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.

I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.

Tiff

The evening had already been filled with laughter and gossip, catching up on so much news I felt I had missed since the last time we were together. It was a simple evening just the two of us but we hadn’t stopped laughing and gossiping and of course the alcohol flowed as it always does allowing for more conversation to expand past just friends, we laughed and joked about girls, guys, our experiences and even sex toys. Standing in the kitchen I couldn’t help catching a moment as I looked at her, I felt as if I was looking at her with someone else’s eyes, seeing something different maybe. It was just in that split second, nothing more, but in that time I felt a little too turned on, or was it just all of that alcohol flowing through my body. Watching her in a way she laughed, her relaxed demeanor, she this radiant glow revealing the little wild spirit hidden deep inside her that I enjoyed to see.

I quietly watched as she reached in to the fridge to get a little more to drink, ensuring our glasses stayed topped up while our night continued. As she did, I found myself feeling a little more playful and without any thought I touched and I grabbed her arm to help balance her as she swung the fridge door shut. An innocent movement but in doing so and making that physical connection I felt a spark of excitement, like fireworks exploding in my chest. I’m still not sure why, but I did. Our bodies were close, as they had been most of that night, allowing us the intimacy to talk and chat and pour our drinks. I loved that I could smell the thousand kisses perfume she always wore, a perfume I only ever associated with her. I became more aware of the closeness but I found it suddenly more attractive and so extremely intimate. It was just a second, that’s all it took, a second in which I caught her eye, the talking stopped in that moment I found myself leaning in and kissing her soft, gentle lips. I didn’t hesitate or move, but found her kissing me back. Our lips at first testing the response before allowing so much more to happen. I closed my eyes and enjoyed that moment we were exploring together as we kissed with passion and appeal, neither of us pulling away.

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I hugged her in close to me and lifted her up onto the counter, her hand stretched out to the side of the fridge and knocking magnets off. We pulled away from that kiss and laughed, my hand rested on her jaw line as we looked into each other’s eyes. She smirked at me and leaned in for another kiss, content and comfortable; our kisses continued. Our hands moving around each other’s bodies and through each other’s hair. I pulled away from her and said “wait right here.” I ran to my bedroom because I wanted to try out a new toy I had just gotten. I came back and she grabbed my face, pulling me into her kiss.

Continue reading “Tiff”

Call on me

Whenever I am going through a difficult time, I may hesitate to call even my best friends because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles.  This is especially true when I’ve been going through several challenges, even repeat challenges and I start to feel like I sound like a broken record.

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It is important to remember that at times like these our friends sincerely want to be there for us whenever they can. We can always check with them to make sure it’s a good time for them before we start talking, and if it’s not a good time, we can call back at another time, or call another friend.

I know for myself that when I have a good friend, I don’t want them to suffer alone when I am just a simple and sometimes not so simple phone call away.   I want them to call me and share their sorrows with me, as well as their joys, because this is what sharing a life through friendship is about.

It is at our lowest points that we really need to rely on our friends without worrying about if we are a burden or not.   I never want anyone to feel bad about coming to me, chances are I will reassure you that I am more than happy to be there for you.  In fact, rather than feeling burdened, I always feel better when I have been able to help a friend simply by listening emphatically while they vent or cry.

Without our friends, we would be distressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when you include your friends in the full story of your life–the good, the bad, the ugly and the in between –you begin to build authentic friendships that allow us to be who we truly are.

So if you ever feel like you need an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on or anything else; call on me to be your friend.  I’ll be there.

World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Running is my therapy

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I’m not the best runner but I continue to run.   Running is the alone time that allows my brain to untangle the webs that have built up in my mind over the past day or two.

Despite the pain, because it heals my emotional pain.

Despite the self-doubt, because when I’m done – I’ve conquered myself.

Despite the chaos in my life, running allows me to find peace within myself.

When I’m feeling stressed, sad, happy or I just need to clear my head – I run.

The running path is a great listener and it’s free therapy.

My favorite little saying is:  Turn your headphones on and turn the world off.

These headphones are my absolute favorite, they are Bluetooth and sound cancelling.  Amazon has a few color options and they ship straight to you!  Check them out by clicking on them below!

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