Pain

 

While it is painful to forget someone, it is also painful to wait for someone but the truest pain, the toughest pain is trying to decide if you should wait or forget.

Pain will always come and go.  It is just one major component to the grand scheme of life and love.  It is in fact one of life’s great teachers, but it is necessary to move through it and not get stuck.

Pain can and will serve as a necessary teacher.

When we were children, it was natural for us to cry or throw a temper tantrum, it allowed the experience to move through us. Through the tears, yelling and crying, our emotions would flee and we would be washed clean in a sense.

As we got older we noticed and learned that expressing emotion in such a way was no longer appropriate, and so we were forced to develop coping strategies to deal with our feelings and emotions.

We may have begun bottling things up or just chose to run away from all of it.

Perhaps we fell into a state of mind that staying closed off and unwilling to try new things as it would keep us safe from any potential heartbreak, it would keep us safe from any rejection, and most definitely safe from future failures.

Pain comes with a sadistic side to it as well, no matter how well we know someone or something is bad for us; we continue to chase them, we continue to wait for them.  It leads us to have an inner war with ourselves as to why we should not let them go, why we should see what could happen.

If you’ve ever gotten a tattoo – there is a therapeutic release that occurs for some of us.  The pain brings ease, getting a tattoo relieves stress for me.  Many girls dye or cut their hair after a break up, to that I say… Screw Cupid’s Arrow; hit me with a tattoo needle!

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Love VS Friendship

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They always say fall in love with your best friend – but what if you fall truly in love.

I am guilty of this countless times, I have done it as long as I can remember; it also hurts a lot differently as a lesbian or gay man – you ultimately fall in love with someone that is NOT capable of giving you the same love in return, under any circumstance.  Yes, it’s fun to flirt and joke around but there are true feelings on your end that ARE in fact getting hurt.  Yeah it’s great to cuddle and kiss randomly because it’s “fun” for them – at the end of the day though, you only end up hurting yourself because you know where they stand and that it’ll never be what you want it to be.

If you’ve ever had a straight best friend that you’ve loved and had to remind yourself, it’ll never be.  It’s a tortuous cycle to put yourself through, you just really don’t have a choice except figure out how to put the feelings to the side (because we all know, there is no “turning off” your true feelings.)

All of my friends mean the world to me and I wouldn’t change the relationships for anything – that doesn’t stop me from wishing and dreaming that in another time, in another place… it would’ve happened.

 

 

Non-Attachment

I’m practicing non-attachment.  Accepting what comes and allowing it to leave when it’s time.

What’s for me will be for me effortlessly.  

Non-attachment is also known as detachment, which is when someone can overcome a desire for people, places, things and concepts of life.  Through non-attachment someone will experience a perspective to life that is peaceful and freeing.  You don’t let anything “own” you, you just let go of it.

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Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.

– The Dalai Lama

 

“Let Go” is more or less a slogan for life but once you do in fact learn to let go, there is this breath of fresh air that exhales the stress and sadness from your life (at least for me that is what happened.)

Non-attachment has brought me a sense of freedom, I practice it every day.  When something goes wrong or upsets me – I don’t get tangled in the emotions.  I have just simply learned and am still learning to let it go.  My inner peace is far to important and detachment has taught me it’s okay to let yourself let go.

I’ve noticed that recently the problems of this world create compassion in me rather than anger.  I don’t chase after happiness.  I simply enjoy it when it’s present, and release it when it dissolves.  My heart has continued to just grow bigger and bigger, I was worried I’d stop feeling love but instead I have felt it even more.

Non-attachment has freed me because I am in charge of my mind and my emotions now.

Don’t mind me while I sob during Savasana

 

18198541_1686181698351693_3657995410615878637_n     The practice of yoga is one I am most unquestionably a beginner at and I am proud of being a beginner, I have amazing instructors and friends at the studio I go to.  During the course of a class there is a sequencing of Asanas, there’s holding of poses.. scattered with slight reflections along with the careful placement of restorative moments and then there’s the instructor who just seems to be speaking right to me; it’s like a horoscope…how do THEY KNOW what I AM going through?! It all leaves my heart gaping wide open and pulsating with emotions. “Inhale, and exhale. On the exhale, sigh ‘let…gooo…”

That phrase “let go” is purely simple but declares passionately to everyone in their own way. Whether you are genuinely happy, whether you are still in love with someone, or you’re in a job that is leading you astray, or you’re holding onto a belief, grudge or regret that is no longer serving you or if it’s all of the above…”let go,” will typically cover it for everybody.

Here in this room we have our instructor who is the guide but we do the inner work that leads to a feeling of overwhelming emotional connection with our souls. We step out of the world’s havoc and chaos, into a hot and low lit studio after a long day of being who the world expects us to be. We get to let all of the stress and anxiety go, even if it’s just for an hour.

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Last night was my first night back to Casa D Hot Yoga in almost 6 months. To my surprise I went through the entire Vinyasa class feeling stronger in my flow of poses than I had in a very long while.

Yet that moment when I stopped moving, the urge to cry overcame me like waves in the ocean and my tears started their own strong flow. I am not one who cries very easily, and most definitely not anywhere in public. I might let a tear or two out, but unless I am alone, I tend to suck it up and move on but in the silence of that room, the stillness of my body and the calmness of my mind, everything I had been bottling up and all of the tension I had left unresolved. It all over flowed and came bubbling to the surface. It felt as if I was carrying around baggage I thought I had unpacked, instead it was collecting dust and adding weight to itself that I was unaware of. That Savasana Sob was a release of anger, hurt, frustration and sadness I had been allowing to weigh myself down for months.

So if you catch yourself sobbing during your Savasana, let it happen. It’s a part of healing, it’s a part of moving on and it’s what your mind, body and soul need in that moment; let the tears flow.

 

 

It’s time

I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.

I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.

Call on me

Whenever I am going through a difficult time, I may hesitate to call even my best friends because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles.  This is especially true when I’ve been going through several challenges, even repeat challenges and I start to feel like I sound like a broken record.

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It is important to remember that at times like these our friends sincerely want to be there for us whenever they can. We can always check with them to make sure it’s a good time for them before we start talking, and if it’s not a good time, we can call back at another time, or call another friend.

I know for myself that when I have a good friend, I don’t want them to suffer alone when I am just a simple and sometimes not so simple phone call away.   I want them to call me and share their sorrows with me, as well as their joys, because this is what sharing a life through friendship is about.

It is at our lowest points that we really need to rely on our friends without worrying about if we are a burden or not.   I never want anyone to feel bad about coming to me, chances are I will reassure you that I am more than happy to be there for you.  In fact, rather than feeling burdened, I always feel better when I have been able to help a friend simply by listening emphatically while they vent or cry.

Without our friends, we would be distressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when you include your friends in the full story of your life–the good, the bad, the ugly and the in between –you begin to build authentic friendships that allow us to be who we truly are.

So if you ever feel like you need an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on or anything else; call on me to be your friend.  I’ll be there.

Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!