So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

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The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.

#OOMF

*One Of My Friends*

That one little hashtag is filled with funny, loving and heartbreaking posts.

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If you’ve ever fallen for one of your friends, you know what I’m talking about when I say heartbreaking posts. To fall for or even have a crush on someone so close to your heart, someone that is a huge part of your life and someone that means the world to you but not be able to be with them. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

All you’ve ever wanted was them, it could be a simple crush, it could be a crush or find feeling you’ve had for a few months but then there are the ones that hurt and you have to suppress to the deepest parts of your soul. The ones that sting a little every time you see them with someone else, it’s a knife through the heart. When they talk about them, it’s nails on a chalkboard. Now don’t get me wrong, all you’ve ever wanted was them to be happy and when you see them smiling, your heart is happy yet a bitter sweet feeling.

They’re as happy as you have always wanted them but you’re not the reason behind that smile, that laugh or those heart eye emojis.

You have to keep suppressing and supporting because it’s your duty as a best friend, it’s your duty as a human being to know what someone else needs to make them happy.

To all of those people, guys and girls, it doesn’t matter which one. To all of you that are the friend referred to in that #OOMF. Be easy on your friends heart, be mindful of the bad days they may have but most importantly..be understanding that sometimes, somethings you say will hurt them. You won’t know it though. They would never let you know. Tread lightly on them, on that friendship. It gets easier for them when they see your happiness is for good this time. They will always love you. I will always love you.