Pain

 

While it is painful to forget someone, it is also painful to wait for someone but the truest pain, the toughest pain is trying to decide if you should wait or forget.

Pain will always come and go.  It is just one major component to the grand scheme of life and love.  It is in fact one of life’s great teachers, but it is necessary to move through it and not get stuck.

Pain can and will serve as a necessary teacher.

When we were children, it was natural for us to cry or throw a temper tantrum, it allowed the experience to move through us. Through the tears, yelling and crying, our emotions would flee and we would be washed clean in a sense.

As we got older we noticed and learned that expressing emotion in such a way was no longer appropriate, and so we were forced to develop coping strategies to deal with our feelings and emotions.

We may have begun bottling things up or just chose to run away from all of it.

Perhaps we fell into a state of mind that staying closed off and unwilling to try new things as it would keep us safe from any potential heartbreak, it would keep us safe from any rejection, and most definitely safe from future failures.

Pain comes with a sadistic side to it as well, no matter how well we know someone or something is bad for us; we continue to chase them, we continue to wait for them.  It leads us to have an inner war with ourselves as to why we should not let them go, why we should see what could happen.

If you’ve ever gotten a tattoo – there is a therapeutic release that occurs for some of us.  The pain brings ease, getting a tattoo relieves stress for me.  Many girls dye or cut their hair after a break up, to that I say… Screw Cupid’s Arrow; hit me with a tattoo needle!

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It’s time

I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.

I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.

Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

Call on me

Whenever I am going through a difficult time, I may hesitate to call even my best friends because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles.  This is especially true when I’ve been going through several challenges, even repeat challenges and I start to feel like I sound like a broken record.

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It is important to remember that at times like these our friends sincerely want to be there for us whenever they can. We can always check with them to make sure it’s a good time for them before we start talking, and if it’s not a good time, we can call back at another time, or call another friend.

I know for myself that when I have a good friend, I don’t want them to suffer alone when I am just a simple and sometimes not so simple phone call away.   I want them to call me and share their sorrows with me, as well as their joys, because this is what sharing a life through friendship is about.

It is at our lowest points that we really need to rely on our friends without worrying about if we are a burden or not.   I never want anyone to feel bad about coming to me, chances are I will reassure you that I am more than happy to be there for you.  In fact, rather than feeling burdened, I always feel better when I have been able to help a friend simply by listening emphatically while they vent or cry.

Without our friends, we would be distressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when you include your friends in the full story of your life–the good, the bad, the ugly and the in between –you begin to build authentic friendships that allow us to be who we truly are.

So if you ever feel like you need an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on or anything else; call on me to be your friend.  I’ll be there.

World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Running is my therapy

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I’m not the best runner but I continue to run.   Running is the alone time that allows my brain to untangle the webs that have built up in my mind over the past day or two.

Despite the pain, because it heals my emotional pain.

Despite the self-doubt, because when I’m done – I’ve conquered myself.

Despite the chaos in my life, running allows me to find peace within myself.

When I’m feeling stressed, sad, happy or I just need to clear my head – I run.

The running path is a great listener and it’s free therapy.

My favorite little saying is:  Turn your headphones on and turn the world off.

These headphones are my absolute favorite, they are Bluetooth and sound cancelling.  Amazon has a few color options and they ship straight to you!  Check them out by clicking on them below!

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Only Human

“Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.”

Everything nowadays seems to be about race, culture, religion, body image and popularity. Everyone strives to be “insta famous” or “go viral.” When the world and the human race needs more kindness, more understanding and all around more love. The world needs more GOOD HUMANS.

Do you demonstrate love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, humility, patience, faithfulness, self control, consideration, integrity, dignity and accountability. Do you walk in forgiveness and understanding of others. There are few people today who fall into any of these categories and if you find one, run with that person because that person is positive and someone you can always count on as not just a true friend but a good human.

No one is perfect, no one is consistently any of these qualities above but everyone can try. If everyone tried a little harder every day to even be just a decent human, this world we all live in, this world we are raising kids in would be an even more beautiful place than it already is.

BE A GOOD HUMAN IN YOUR OWN WAY

At the end of the day, you are the one who people will always be thankful for because their lives wouldn’t be the same without you.

Don’t forget we are all ONLY HUMAN!

**if you’d like to get the shirt I’m wearing or any other shirts, hats or stickers! Check out Only Human Co.

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