Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

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Call on me

Whenever I am going through a difficult time, I may hesitate to call even my best friends because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles.  This is especially true when I’ve been going through several challenges, even repeat challenges and I start to feel like I sound like a broken record.

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It is important to remember that at times like these our friends sincerely want to be there for us whenever they can. We can always check with them to make sure it’s a good time for them before we start talking, and if it’s not a good time, we can call back at another time, or call another friend.

I know for myself that when I have a good friend, I don’t want them to suffer alone when I am just a simple and sometimes not so simple phone call away.   I want them to call me and share their sorrows with me, as well as their joys, because this is what sharing a life through friendship is about.

It is at our lowest points that we really need to rely on our friends without worrying about if we are a burden or not.   I never want anyone to feel bad about coming to me, chances are I will reassure you that I am more than happy to be there for you.  In fact, rather than feeling burdened, I always feel better when I have been able to help a friend simply by listening emphatically while they vent or cry.

Without our friends, we would be distressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when you include your friends in the full story of your life–the good, the bad, the ugly and the in between –you begin to build authentic friendships that allow us to be who we truly are.

So if you ever feel like you need an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on or anything else; call on me to be your friend.  I’ll be there.

World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Running is my therapy

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I’m not the best runner but I continue to run.   Running is the alone time that allows my brain to untangle the webs that have built up in my mind over the past day or two.

Despite the pain, because it heals my emotional pain.

Despite the self-doubt, because when I’m done – I’ve conquered myself.

Despite the chaos in my life, running allows me to find peace within myself.

When I’m feeling stressed, sad, happy or I just need to clear my head – I run.

The running path is a great listener and it’s free therapy.

My favorite little saying is:  Turn your headphones on and turn the world off.

These headphones are my absolute favorite, they are Bluetooth and sound cancelling.  Amazon has a few color options and they ship straight to you!  Check them out by clicking on them below!

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Only Human

“Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.”

Everything nowadays seems to be about race, culture, religion, body image and popularity. Everyone strives to be “insta famous” or “go viral.” When the world and the human race needs more kindness, more understanding and all around more love. The world needs more GOOD HUMANS.

Do you demonstrate love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, humility, patience, faithfulness, self control, consideration, integrity, dignity and accountability. Do you walk in forgiveness and understanding of others. There are few people today who fall into any of these categories and if you find one, run with that person because that person is positive and someone you can always count on as not just a true friend but a good human.

No one is perfect, no one is consistently any of these qualities above but everyone can try. If everyone tried a little harder every day to even be just a decent human, this world we all live in, this world we are raising kids in would be an even more beautiful place than it already is.

BE A GOOD HUMAN IN YOUR OWN WAY

At the end of the day, you are the one who people will always be thankful for because their lives wouldn’t be the same without you.

Don’t forget we are all ONLY HUMAN!

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Un-love you

Some days I think I’m doing amazing, moving on and being happy on my own. Then there’s days where if you could feel even just half of the pain I feel when I get to missing you, the real missing. The ache in my stomach, the welled up tears, that lump in my throat. That heart ache, that pain, that unbearable hurt..maybe then you’d realize how much I truly and deeply loved you.

You were never just “another notch” on my “belt.” You were my entire world and universe all in one. I wanted to spend my life loving you, I had all intentions to never stop loving you and never letting you forget how important you were to me.  Everything I ever said to you, I meant from the bottom of my heart. You don’t believe in fairy tales and you’re a realist but you were the most realistic fairy tale I could’ve ever dreamt of. You were my happily ever after.

Despite anything you could’ve said or done, despite anything you can say or do.. I’m stuck loving you, I don’t know how to stop. Days like those, the days where I really miss you; I wish I could just un-love you.

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I used to take quick showers, for the past few months though I’ve been taking hour long showers. Hoping between the tears and the water, maybe I could wash away the memories. It hasn’t worked yet; all of my friends and family are tired of hearing it. You can’t even imagine how alone that makes someone feel, your friends know you’re hurting but they can’t understand “why in the hell you’re still hung up on her.” Truth is, they don’t know you how I did. They don’t know what your eyes do to me, they don’t know how the smile line in your cheek is imprinted in my brain, they don’t know what it felt like to have you in my nook. They really have no idea what I’d give to hear you say “I love you” even just once more. They don’t understand how I could say “if she were to knock on my door right now, I’d let her back in whole heartedly.”

Trying to get over you is like being at war with myself, I delete all of our photos just to re-select them all and recover them. I swipe right on tinder for a few days in a row but never send a message. I go through the motions with no intentions of following through.

So if anyone has any idea how I’m supposed to un-love the person that I can’t let go of, feel free to share..

 

I owe you nothing

Lying to save your own face may make you temporarily pretty, you can paint this picture of yourself as a victim and innocent but the secrets that have been hiding in the dark will come to light.  Time has a way of showing true colors, so don’t be offended by the truth when it comes out.

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I own up to my past and my mistakes.  I own up to things I’ve done and I don’t hide who I am or was.  I respect and love people, even AFTER they have done me wrong.  You can’t let people scare you, you can’t go your whole life trying to please everyone else.  You can’t go through life worried what others think of you, what you say and how you feel.  Don’t let the judgement of others stop you from being you; because the day you change who you are for someone else, that’s the day you stop being you.  Everything I have been through, every moment of pain, hurt and happiness has molded me to the person I am today.

In writing this blog, I have found a way to not only heal but accept myself in an entirely new way.  I am learning things about myself I wasn’t even aware of.  I am proud of who I am and I am proud of who this blog is helping me become!  THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT HAS SUPPORTED AND CONTINUES TO SUPPORT ME WITH THIS!