It is what it is

Nothing I ever do seems good enough for anyone, maybe that’s why I am so hard on myself and why I am constantly angry with myself. How could I expect myself to have confidence and an ounce of self worth and pride when I don’t get it from anyone else in my life.

I’m not stupid, I know I care too much, I love too hard, forgive too easily and I know I come off too strong. I feel like I do this to make up for whatever it is I may be “missing” inside myself. Yes, a lot of people take advantage of it and a lot of people try to walk all over me.

9 times out of 10, I lay down and take it. Then there are those rare occasions that I choose to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in.

I tirelessly work towards a future and whatever I think will make me happy; yes it changes often.

I don’t really know where I was going with this post, besides the fact that I know I have a good heart and if that’s not enough for you or if it’s “too much”… well it’s going to be your loss from now on.

I’m no longer blaming myself and giving out unnecessary apologies for being who I am.

-Goodnight

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Ava

Ava is an inspiring woman. She is drop dead gorgeous without even trying but when you get to know her on a more personal level she is also funny and goofy and it makes her ten times more beautiful inside and out. To try and put into perspective the unwavering attraction I had towards Ava, well let’s just say, if beauty were power and a smile was it’s sword, this woman would rule the entire world.

 

I had been crushing on her for a while and I knew she wasn’t gay but let’s be honest, that’s never stopped me before. We both work our asses off and had been hanging out frequently in our free time. We decided to take a girls trip and just have a stress free weekend away with drinks, laughs and just simply relax. In conversation I’d drop little hints to see if there was a chance of anything happening between us. She entertained the conversations a bit, but ultimately it’d end with me still unclear on if any thought like that was crossing or had already crossed her mind.

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We spent the next two weeks counting down and trying to plan everything we were going to do. The day finally came and we had a mimosa at breakfast and hit the road. Our conversations were flowing, we had laughs and even serious heart to hearts about our personal lives – it was a genuine bonding time on the way to our weekend getaway. Once we got there, the hesitation was almost non-existent. Drinks were poured and the night was beginning. Drink after drink I was getting more and more comfortable and we were getting more and more intoxicated. That first night we had dinner and drinks on the water, went to a local hole in the wall bar and laughed at the drunk people (not even considering the fact that we were the drunk people too). On the way home Ava was singing along to every song that came on, her eyes and smile lit up the darkness that filled the car.  Every street light we passed I watched the light cross her face and I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to kiss her.

 

The night winded down and we headed to bed in the early hours of the morning. Laying next to her I could feel her leg brush mine, her body was so close that her hair was tickling my shoulder but I was too nervous to try anything. That fear of rejection is crippling and there was so much more than my pride on the table, and the possibility of multiple friendships being affected.  I just rolled over and the next thing I knew it was 8:30 am; I was awake and we were still drunk! Personally I feel waking up drunk is a feeling everyone should experience once in their life!

We ate breakfast and sobered up just long enough to make it out to the lake and have a drink by 11:30 am. We spent our day out in the sun relaxing with drinks in our hands for most of the day, until we came back to shower and get ready for the night ahead. The nights plan was dinner and the local bar to enjoy the last night of our getaway. We drank even more, played darts and while we were sitting in the bar she touched my leg in a way she hadn’t before. There was this closeness I felt with her, more than before. We decided to turn in earlier that night. We got back and laid in bed watching TV. This night, something was different; there was this sensualness to it. We were laying closer, her leg laid over mine and my hand was rested on her thigh. I felt this need to be close to her, almost like it was magnetic. Everything in me kept pulling me towards her, and I started running my fingers in place on her thigh. Ava moved her leg close to me and I could feel her pushing her hips towards my hand. I kept running my fingers up and down her inner thigh until she reached down and moved my hand into her shorts. I pushed myself up onto my other elbow and leaned in to kiss her. When our lips touched it was like this explosion in me that had been waiting to erupt. I kissed her over and over, and that built up a want of her which almost instantly turned into a need and I needed to keep touching her. I pushed her shirt up with my free hand and kissed my way down her chest, to her hips and when I got to her inner thigh I gently bit my way towards her pussy. Her moans were getting louder and as I pressed my tongue to her clit, she reached down and pushed my face into her more. I never wanted to come up, she was getting louder so I reached up to cover her mouth. She pulled me up to her and kissed me, then tried to reach down my shorts and I pinned her hand above her head and went back to kissing her. This went on two more times until she pulled away from my kiss and said “Give me that pussy.” I had never had someone demand from me like that, I don’t know what came over me but I let her touch me and for someone who had never been with another girl, she knew just what to do.

We spent the night together and promised to keep it between us. Clearly no one is going to know her real name or real details. (She also gave me permission to post this) That weekend was a weekend of fun and memories that were a once in a lifetime thing (most literally). Our friendship is back to normal and all is well in the world!

 

Britt

This next girl I met through social media. Britt is this stunningly and smoking hot girl who has thousands of followers, I was crushing on her for a good while. She has a bunch of tattoos and the way her smile is so infectious was just mind blowing. Her voice was this raspy but sexy tone and her laugh, I’d do anything to hear it when we spoke. I got the chance to get to know her a bit before she ghosted me, she was a kind and beautiful soul who had been through some rough shit and I wanted to continue to get to know her more. I kept trying to reach out but after 3 days, I let it go.

A little bit over a year went by before I spoke to her again, it was like she came out of nowhere. I was just going through a break up and so was she, we were each other’s ears to listen to. She lived in Tampa and was willing to drive down for the Holiday weekend, I was nervous as hell but super excited. (I hadn’t met her in person yet.) She got in town and I showed her around a bit, it wasn’t awkward or anything at all to my surprise. We ended up going out that night for drinks with a few of my friends, she fit right in and it was kind of surreal in the aspect of the fact that I hadn’t had a day where my ex didn’t cross my mind until that night with Britt.

We had an amazing night out, several drinks and plenty of laughs. We had a heart to heart talk about both of our break ups and I just genuinely felt closer to her in a matter of a few hours. We got home and as we laid down, she placed her head on my chest. I played with her hair for a bit while we kept talking, she was slowly turning her face up towards me when I leaned my head down to meet hers. I sat up some to kiss her, my hand gently resting under her jaw line I pulled her closer into our kiss.

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Macy

Growing up in my family meant multiple vacations a year in Chokoloskee spent fishing with family and friends. I loved every vacation we had there.

This one year in particular we went with several of my parents friends and their families. I was freshly 21 years old, went through an extremely ugly break up and drinking all kinds of alcohol. My parents one friend Macy, was recently separated from her husband and we had gotten to talking just in general, we had several things in common. We made drinks and spent the first evening there making Jell-O shots for everyone so they could cool over night. We mixed the blue jello with vodka, the red with rum and the green with tequila. We had the place to our selves and were just talking more about our most recent heartbreaks while we took turns passing the left over liquor bottles back and forth taking shots out of each. I came up with the genius idea of playing “Never have I ever.”

Almost everyone knows about this game, it’s a fun way to learn “fun facts” about your friends. The questions vary from “never have I ever kissed a girl” to “never have I ever popped a Molly” to anything else you can think of that you haven’t done, that someone else playing has done. If anyone in the group HAS done it, then they’d have to drink. So now it’s just the two of us playing and obviously we are getting drunk extremely fast.

We were like two teenage girls giggling and leaning into each other on the couch. We had music playing and it was just genuinely a great memory. Macy and I ended up passing out that night on the couch, woke up the next morning around 6am to head out fishing for the day. We were all out on the water for hours that day, came back in for lunch and cooler refills. Before heading back out Macy came walking down the dock in these daisy duke shorts, the top button was undone so her bikini bottoms were peaking through, her tank top was in her hand and her gray bikini top with orange and gold designs was all I could see. I put the boat in neutral and told shouted for her to go out on the water with me this time! I was fishing on my own anyways, some company would be perfect. She hurried up, hopped on and we were off. A side note you need to understand is Choko is also called 10,000 islands. There are so many islands to get lost in and different fishing areas, finding privacy out there isn’t hard at all. So I get the boat on a plane and run south down to one of the fishing spots I know of. As I’m running, I kept glancing over and couldn’t help but to begin to notice how attractive Macy is. Yes she’s much older than I was but she had this short burgundy hair that fit her fave perfectly and when she wasn’t wearing her glasses, I could see these darker green specks in her eyes when the sun hit them at certain angles.

She was sitting next to me and was relatively close to me, but I was comfortable with her so it wasn’t a big deal.

We got to the fishing spot, I slowed the boat to a stop just off the islands ledge and oyster bar. I put the power pole down and rigged both rods up with popping corks while she made us both a drink. We did a “cheers” and cast our lines out, music playing and our conversation started back up from the previous night, talking and spending time with Macy was like hanging out with a long lost friend. I was comfortable, I was able to be myself and I was happy in the moment. After a couple hours of fishing we had gotten a couple keepers and decided to let the boat drift along the back of the islands and we laid out towels and relaxed, enjoying the sunset, music, drinks and salty air. Somehow the conversation turned into Macy questioning if she preferred women over men. I said “I’ve only been with girls that choose men, they tell me there’s a comfort level when they’re with me that they feel safe to explore their curiosity.” She sat half way up, there was a look of relief on her face. I asked what was wrong, she took a big swig from her cup looked at me and said “your parents can’t know this happens.”

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Molly

A few times a year my family and I go fishing on the west coast of Florida to this beautiful little island called Chokoloskee. This was one of the first vacations there I decided to bring my girlfriend, Molly and I dated for a few months before she went on a family vacation with us there. Just so you have some insight, Molly’s family wasn’t very accepting of us. Her mom would always pray with her before any trip but this one, she didn’t; Molly even asked and she wouldn’t. Before getting on the road, we stopped for gas and while the pump was on I walked over to her side of the truck, I grabbed her hands and I prayed for our trip, I prayed that the fishing God’s would take care of our catches and I prayed with everything in me that her mom would open her heart to this. (She never did but I did all I knew how to in that moment.) We got on the road and it was pure bliss, just us two driving with my hand stretched across on her leg, 90’s and 2000’s music playing. She was taking hundreds of photos of us and kept leaning over to place her head on my shoulder, I was on top of the world in that moment. We got to the vacation house where everyone already was setting up, we had our camper there and we roamed the island before unloading and heading down to the dock and boats. She walked everywhere with me while holding my hand, she’d sneak kisses and hugs every chance she got. We grabbed some beers and headed out on the golf cart to go show her Worley Street and the other parts of the island like Small woods museum and store.By the time the sun was going down we had put back several beers each and had a decent buzz going, we headed back to the camper to put the golf cart away, then went to meet everyone at the tiki bar where they were grilling up dinner. It is always an amazing time out there and with Molly by my side this trip, it was the best yet.

The liquor was brought out at some point, somewhat of a blur but I know it was followed with nothing but smiles and laughs.It was officially dark out and we had cleaned up dinner, everyone was heading back up to the campers for showers and calling it a night.

Now to give you a bit of a background into this, I was Molly’s first (and only) girlfriend and I had been asking her to “sit on my face” but she was never comfortable doing it.

**PSA TO ALL GIRLS – YOU WILL NOT SUFFOCATE SOMEONE BY SITTING ON THEIR FACE, OKAY?!**

Okay, back to my story…

Continue reading “Molly”