Don’t mind me while I sob during Savasana

 

18198541_1686181698351693_3657995410615878637_n     The practice of yoga is one I am most unquestionably a beginner at and I am proud of being a beginner, I have amazing instructors and friends at the studio I go to.  During the course of a class there is a sequencing of Asanas, there’s holding of poses.. scattered with slight reflections along with the careful placement of restorative moments and then there’s the instructor who just seems to be speaking right to me; it’s like a horoscope…how do THEY KNOW what I AM going through?! It all leaves my heart gaping wide open and pulsating with emotions. “Inhale, and exhale. On the exhale, sigh ‘let…gooo…”

That phrase “let go” is purely simple but declares passionately to everyone in their own way. Whether you are genuinely happy, whether you are still in love with someone, or you’re in a job that is leading you astray, or you’re holding onto a belief, grudge or regret that is no longer serving you or if it’s all of the above…”let go,” will typically cover it for everybody.

Here in this room we have our instructor who is the guide but we do the inner work that leads to a feeling of overwhelming emotional connection with our souls. We step out of the world’s havoc and chaos, into a hot and low lit studio after a long day of being who the world expects us to be. We get to let all of the stress and anxiety go, even if it’s just for an hour.

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Last night was my first night back to Casa D Hot Yoga in almost 6 months. To my surprise I went through the entire Vinyasa class feeling stronger in my flow of poses than I had in a very long while.

Yet that moment when I stopped moving, the urge to cry overcame me like waves in the ocean and my tears started their own strong flow. I am not one who cries very easily, and most definitely not anywhere in public. I might let a tear or two out, but unless I am alone, I tend to suck it up and move on but in the silence of that room, the stillness of my body and the calmness of my mind, everything I had been bottling up and all of the tension I had left unresolved. It all over flowed and came bubbling to the surface. It felt as if I was carrying around baggage I thought I had unpacked, instead it was collecting dust and adding weight to itself that I was unaware of. That Savasana Sob was a release of anger, hurt, frustration and sadness I had been allowing to weigh myself down for months.

So if you catch yourself sobbing during your Savasana, let it happen. It’s a part of healing, it’s a part of moving on and it’s what your mind, body and soul need in that moment; let the tears flow.

 

 

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It’s time

I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.

I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.

Call on me

Whenever I am going through a difficult time, I may hesitate to call even my best friends because I don’t want to burden them with my troubles.  This is especially true when I’ve been going through several challenges, even repeat challenges and I start to feel like I sound like a broken record.

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It is important to remember that at times like these our friends sincerely want to be there for us whenever they can. We can always check with them to make sure it’s a good time for them before we start talking, and if it’s not a good time, we can call back at another time, or call another friend.

I know for myself that when I have a good friend, I don’t want them to suffer alone when I am just a simple and sometimes not so simple phone call away.   I want them to call me and share their sorrows with me, as well as their joys, because this is what sharing a life through friendship is about.

It is at our lowest points that we really need to rely on our friends without worrying about if we are a burden or not.   I never want anyone to feel bad about coming to me, chances are I will reassure you that I am more than happy to be there for you.  In fact, rather than feeling burdened, I always feel better when I have been able to help a friend simply by listening emphatically while they vent or cry.

Without our friends, we would be distressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when you include your friends in the full story of your life–the good, the bad, the ugly and the in between –you begin to build authentic friendships that allow us to be who we truly are.

So if you ever feel like you need an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on or anything else; call on me to be your friend.  I’ll be there.

Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Eli

the-manor

I had met Eli at a neighborhood lesbian bar, where I had been going on occasion for a couple years. The first night I laid eyes on her was out on the dance floor, this short beautiful brunette caught my eye and I couldn’t turn my gaze away. The music was loud, lights were flashing and moving all over but between the glares I could make out this smile. Jesus was her smile flawless, we ended up moving closer to each other and eventually were dancing together, as the song winded down our faces were so close I just kissed her, it was electrifying.

Continue reading “Eli”

Being Single

Single is NOT a status.  Single is a word that describes someone that is strong enough to live and enjoy their lives without depending on others.  I am someone that LOVES, LOVE.   Yet I’ve never given myself the true chance to LOVE MYSELF.  I want to be my own rock, my own anchor, my own soul mate. I want to understand myself better than anyone else can. Anyone that knows me knows that when I fall, I fall fast and I fall hard. I am a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve. I simply love the idea of being in love. I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t have some type of interest in somebody.  I love having a “texting buddy.”  I love feeling desired.  I have gotten hurt a few times, but I always pick myself up and try to move on.  Moving on is hard for me, though, simply because I love being in love.

Now I have focused on finding myself, healing myself, loving myself, being passionate, getting fit, growing friendships, meeting new people and making memories.  Not a day goes by that I regret this decision, to be single.  The thing is, I’m not single… I am simply dating myself.  I’ve learned to appreciate being single because it’s since I’ve been single that I have grown the most, I have become what I’ve spent years looking for.  That “Do Not Disturb” sign is still hanging on my heart because for now at least, my heart is happy.

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