Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

Advertisements

Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

Imagine me and you

This movie has been one of my favorite’s since it was released.  The story line is simple yet complicated, just like life.  Two girls get a glance of each other, at one of their weddings.  There is an immediate connection but only one issue, the one who was getting married is straight.  The movie goes on to show how they get closer and eventually fall in love despite Rachel still being married.

I have had multiple occasions where I meet someone that isn’t single, there was even one woman that was married at the time.  They would flirt, I’d flirt back and one thing led to another.  I would end up falling for the straight and unavailable girl, ending in my heart getting broken.  I’m not a “homewrecker” it’s just hard to explain when you have some sort of connection, no I’m not justifying it either.  I am well aware how wrong it is to be with someone who is already taken.  If you watch this movie (click the photo up top and it’ll open the link) you will see all sides of this story.  It’s a super cute – hopeless romantic type of romantic comedy.  Watch it and let me know what you think! ❤

b96ec53f3e49b73cb0b15f5c10e4932f.png

The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.

Blonde Bombshell

I went to college in West Virginia, it’s where and when I really started to find myself. I had the truest freedom anyone could have asked for, new place, new faces; a brand new start. Even though I was 17 turning 18, I got to go clubbing, bar hopping, and being open completely with no reservations about my sexuality. Being on the basketball team had plenty of perks with only one con of that 5am practice time. Some of the perks were being able to go to the mountaineer mart (gas station) and get any beer I wanted, having a party every other night at either the basketball team house, cheerleaders house or football players house And we were treated like royalty up there! So back to the bombshell, one of these parties in particular was like a mixer for the different teams, the cheerleaders were coming in with their boyfriends on their arms and in walked this one blonde bombshell!! She had on this black spaghetti strap dress with a bulky cross necklace, her arm linked in with this guy who looked like a total douche. I couldn’t take my eyes off her all night, even a teammate told me “wishful thinking Florida!” I could care less at that point, I didn’t want any other girl, I wanted her. Her tight ripped arms and her smile… God her smile. The ways her green eyes scanned the room, the way her hair was perfectly still as she walked…the fact she was off limits made me want her more. A few weeks had gone by and she was all I could think about, so when the chance to go to the cheerleaders house party arose, I jumped on it. We walked in and I couldn’t see her but I knew she was there, I don’t know how to explain it but my gut had butterflies as if she was standing right next to me. I went on to play beer pong on the back patio, we were laughing and having a great time until one of the guys literally launched himself across the table made out of a sheet of plywood, while screaming “Kobe!” At the top of his lungs. The cups spilt everywhere and table collapsed underneath him. The beer was everywhere and all over myself, I went to the restroom to try and clean up, as I opened the door I realized there was someone in there. I quickly went to shut it back until I heard someone crying in there, I poked my head around the doorway and asked if she was okay.. she mumbled something I couldn’t understand so I went in and saw it was her, the blonde bombshell, makeup a mess and she herself was just a crying mess. I stepped all the way into the restroom, shut the door behind me and knelt down beside her, I pushed her hair out of her face and lifted her chin up to see my face. I asked what was wrong and if I could fix whatever it was. She cried into my shoulder and said “I’m single for the first time in forever, I should be happy but I don’t know why I’m crying.” I wiped her tears and told her It’s more of a reason to go to Wise Guys with everyone and enjoy yourself despite whatever is going on! Be happy for yourself, you’re too gorgeous to cry. At that point we were all too Intoxicated to drive so we walked, it was only about half a mile away so it wasn’t too bad. We all walked up together, laughing and joking.. as we walked In to Wise Guys, we immediately went up stairs, grabbed a drink at the bar and hit the dance floor (which had a strippers pole to the left.) Now you should know I don’t really dance but apparently ALL of the cheerleaders do. My blonde bombshell was by my side the entire time and it took a while but convinced me to get on the pole with her. She grabbed my hand and I couldn’t even think straight, I followed her just so she wouldn’t let go. She started to dance and twirl around me when she stopped dead in her tracks, she spun around and said she had to go. I followed her out of the bar area, down the stairs and out of the front door. She was crying again, I caught up to her pretty quickly in the parking lot and grabbed her arm. She hugged me and was crying that he (the douche bag) was there with his ex before her. I said “fuck him, fuck her, we don’t need this place. Let’s go back and have our own party.” As we got back to the cheerleaders house, she realized she never brought a key. We checked all windows and doors but no luck, we ended up walking around the block to the basketball team house. We were all terrible at locking the door honestly, it was unlocked when we got there and no one was home. The music was still playing, so we made drinks and sat down on the couch while she calmed down a bit more. I kept telling her how beautiful she was, that it’s definitely his loss and how much more she deserved than someone who treated her like nothing and wasn’t hurt by her crying. We kept talking about our pasts and our heartaches, she had spread her one leg across my lap as we were both getting more comfortable around each other. We were both running low on our drinks and I offered to get us refills, I leaned over to grab her cup and she pulled me into her with both hands. She kissed me hard and I couldn’t believe my own eyes, ears or lips but it was her and I on that couch. I stayed where she had me, kissing and fondling. My hands were shaking from nerves and excitement. I had my hand on her hip, she was rocking her hips into me and kept pulling my kisses into her harder. I unbuttoned her shorts and pushed my hand between her legs, I let my middle finger slide across her clit and felt her thighs tremble. I gently pushed two fingers into her and our kiss went 0 to 60 in seconds, right as I was starting to push harder; the front door swung open. All of my teammates were coming in laughing and drunk and heading straight for where we were. I quickly rolled next to her on the couch but my hand was still in her pants, we heard a couple of them trying to figure out who we were but they soon gave up and headed upstairs to bed. At that point, they had “cock blocked” or “beaver dammed” so to speak. We kissed a little while longer but both of our drunk selves had passed out as well. I wish this story had a happier ending but maybe one day I’ll get another chance with her during a night of drinks to finish the ending the way I wanted to.

PSA

I feel now is the time to post a little personal post just to give you a little insight to my mind and where my heart is.

I have never not loved women and not respected women. I put every woman I have ever been with up on the highest pedal stool. I hate seeing a girl cry, I hate when girls aren’t treated the way they deserve.

I believe in flowers just because it’s Friday, I believe in candle lit dinners and spontaneous trips. If your favorite song comes on, I’ll pull over and dance in the rain with you.

Never have I mistreated or hurt a woman. I have only and will only ever love them with everything in me. I’ve been cheated on, lied to and abused. I love too much, I fall too fast. I always end up hurt but it never stops me from loving the next girl.

-Love Always,

Cayla