“Happily ever after”
Finding your forever, building a family, making life long memories; that’s the dream isn’t it?
I’ve been watching friend after friend get married, start a family and live all of the moments I’ve been dreaming of. Measuring my life up against anybody else is a waste of time because I will never be them and they will never be me.
I know “one day” it’ll happen and my time will come to have these moments in life but the process of waiting for it is annoying. Literally feel like I am trying to find forever in all the wrong places.
Until then though, I will continue to enjoy the baby snuggles and moments I get to share along side my friends with their little ones.
I will continue to travel and make memories that I can one day tell as stories to my children.
Nothing I ever do seems good enough for anyone, maybe that’s why I am so hard on myself and why I am constantly angry with myself. How could I expect myself to have confidence and an ounce of self worth and pride when I don’t get it from anyone else in my life.
I’m not stupid, I know I care too much, I love too hard, forgive too easily and I know I come off too strong. I feel like I do this to make up for whatever it is I may be “missing” inside myself. Yes, a lot of people take advantage of it and a lot of people try to walk all over me.
9 times out of 10, I lay down and take it. Then there are those rare occasions that I choose to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in.
I tirelessly work towards a future and whatever I think will make me happy; yes it changes often.
I don’t really know where I was going with this post, besides the fact that I know I have a good heart and if that’s not enough for you or if it’s “too much”… well it’s going to be your loss from now on.
I’m no longer blaming myself and giving out unnecessary apologies for being who I am.
Me: “bless you.”
Me: “bless you for the day.”
……About 30 minutes later
Me: “bless you.”
Me: “bless you for the day.”
Coworker: “you can’t bless me for the day, you already did.”
Me: “I am Lord of the Lesbians, I will bless whoever and however many times I want.”
Coworker: “you should make that your new blog.”
LMAO 🤦🏻♀️😂 well here we are.
I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.
I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.
Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.
When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.
It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.
My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.
When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?
I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.
It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?
When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?
I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.
If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.
Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!
I don’t think you realize how easy it is to fall into the oceans that are your eyes. They stop me in my tracks and take my breath away, the way the light hits them sometimes I drown in the waves of those oceans.
Getting lost in your eyes is the equivalent of getting lost at sea, I don’t know which way is home. Truth is, your eyes were home for me and now that I don’t have your eyes the way I used to, I don’t know which way to go. I’m lost at sea with no compass, no map and without your eyes.
Somedays I think I’m better off just staying lost out at sea because what if no ones eyes have this impact on me. What if there’s never another you, never another set of blue eyes like that.