Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

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Life moves on, so should we

I let you kiss me with wine on your lips; when I don’t even really like wine, but I took  that dose from your lips.  I got drunk from your drunkenness and remembered why it’s always late whenever you call.
All of the half assed friendships and half assed love interests..
I’m not a drunken call or text to come over.  I’m not a convenient friend, I’m not an option to you or anyone else for that matter.  I’ve made myself a priority when it comes to lov eand friendship and I wont’ let myself forget that  ever again.
Do not mistake me for that same girl.  It’s light outside and I care more about myself now.  Do not mistake me for that same girl ready to love you while you only can give halfway.
 
I don’t need you.  Text someone else when the wine hits.
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Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Just some thoughts I need to put down.

Pages turn, chapters end and those endings NEVER come out how you would’ve thought or expected. True colors can be the greatest or the worst experience in your life, people you thought you knew; you discover they’re somebody completely different. Time changes everyone, some for better and others for worse. Lessons get learned whether you’re ready to be taught or not.

Those Blue Eyes

I don’t think you realize how easy it is to fall into the oceans that are your eyes. They stop me in my tracks and take my breath away, the way the light hits them sometimes I drown in the waves of those oceans.

Getting lost in your eyes is the equivalent of getting lost at sea, I don’t know which way is home. Truth is, your eyes were home for me and now that I don’t have your eyes the way I used to, I don’t know which way to go. I’m lost at sea with no compass, no map and without your eyes.

Somedays I think I’m better off just staying lost out at sea because what if no ones eyes have this impact on me. What if there’s never another you, never another set of blue eyes like that.

Eli

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I had met Eli at a neighborhood lesbian bar, where I had been going on occasion for a couple years. The first night I laid eyes on her was out on the dance floor, this short beautiful brunette caught my eye and I couldn’t turn my gaze away. The music was loud, lights were flashing and moving all over but between the glares I could make out this smile. Jesus was her smile flawless, we ended up moving closer to each other and eventually were dancing together, as the song winded down our faces were so close I just kissed her, it was electrifying.

Continue reading “Eli”