Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

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Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

Only Human

“Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.”

Everything nowadays seems to be about race, culture, religion, body image and popularity. Everyone strives to be “insta famous” or “go viral.” When the world and the human race needs more kindness, more understanding and all around more love. The world needs more GOOD HUMANS.

Do you demonstrate love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, humility, patience, faithfulness, self control, consideration, integrity, dignity and accountability. Do you walk in forgiveness and understanding of others. There are few people today who fall into any of these categories and if you find one, run with that person because that person is positive and someone you can always count on as not just a true friend but a good human.

No one is perfect, no one is consistently any of these qualities above but everyone can try. If everyone tried a little harder every day to even be just a decent human, this world we all live in, this world we are raising kids in would be an even more beautiful place than it already is.

BE A GOOD HUMAN IN YOUR OWN WAY

At the end of the day, you are the one who people will always be thankful for because their lives wouldn’t be the same without you.

Don’t forget we are all ONLY HUMAN!

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So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

Fear of Failure..

I just want to go into a bit more detail about this blog and why I started it NOW.

A couple friends and I used to joke that I’d write a book one day about all the girl’s I’ve been with because none of them were actually into girls.  I wrote about 3 chapters in (Candy Kane, Mary and Val) but never went past that, everyone who read it was asking for more but a book is a lot and I was very hesitant to continue.  I constantly thought about the “what if’s.”  What if it was a stupid idea in all actuality, what if it didn’t work out, what if people started judging me based on the content I was writing about.  Well, I have sat on this idea for almost three years now and the fear of failure, judgement and anything else is no longer in my way.

One of my closest friends suggested I start this blog, I was watching a show on Netflix and one of the people had said “they say you can’t tech an old dog new tricks but you can re-invent yourself and learn new things anytime you want.”  Well this is me, this is me learning new things, re-inventing myself and doing something that is actually making ME happy, for once.

The fear of failure has stopped me from attempting many other things in my life, but not anymore.  There may still be a fear of failure but it no longer controls me or has a say in what I do and don’t do.  This blog is so much more than just sex stories, it’s my outlet, it’s a common ground for other lesbians who have been hurt by someone.  50 Shades of Please be Gay is meant to entertain and hopefully open eyes to some people who are concerned, closeted or confused.  This world is unfair, judgmental and full of fears; it isn’t a reason to sit out though.  Follow your heart, pursue what makes you happy and truth is, once you show the world you’re confident and happy with yourself – you’ll be surprised how much respect, acceptance and positive feedback comes back your way.

 

Keep Smiling Guys.  ❤

-Cayla

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The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.

Balance

Another one of the books I enjoy by Rupi Kaur is “Milk and Honey.”There is an excerpt in it that states “I thank the universe for taking everything it has taken and giving to me everything it is giving.” To me – this is a huge statement, packed with a lot of meaning.  You have to find balance, count your blessings but don’t forget what you lost.  You can let go of people, places and things; all while still remembering them and cherishing the memories you shared.  The happiness you once felt, the love that was there.  Today it is a different love, a very hard love, you could even say a tough love.  You want them to be happy, they want you to be happy as well but they will be crucial of your actions, your words  and they will still hold you accountable.  Sometimes more now than ever before… When it comes to life, it’s got a funny way of showing you how unfair it is.  In the same breath, life has miracles working behind the scenes, everything will come full circle when it’s all supposed to happen; life will show you it’s hand and how it’s beneficial to you. Life will teach you BALANCE. Check out the book (link is embedded in the photo of the book) and share your favorite excerpt with me!