Happy Me

When I think about “Happy Me” my mind races back to you.

It races back to our time together.. Our disagreements and all of our memories. “Happy Me” is playing in snow, laughing out loud.

My mind floods with pictures I have cherished since the beginning, I remember your kisses and your laugh. My mind gets stuck on your eyes, your smirk, you making fun of me. My mind gets stuck on you, for days at a time.

When I think of “Happy Me” I get sad because Happy Me, she is still head over heels in love with you. “Happy Me,” she’s not over you – how am I supposed to be “Happy Me” again when she isn’t happy anymore?

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Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

Strangers

We all start as strangers, there is no doubt about that.

The choices that we make in terms of love are usually ones that seem to be inevitable anyway.

We will find people irrationally compelling. We will find souls made of the same stuff ours are. We will find classmates and partners and neighbors and family friends and cousins and sisters in our lives and we intersect in a way that makes them feel like they couldn’t have ever been separate. And this, this is lovely.among_strangers_by_lesley_oldaker-d8j255o

But the ease and access isn’t what we crave.

 

It isn’t what I’m writing about right now.

 

It isn’t what we revolve around and worry about after it’s gone.

We are all just waiting for another universe to collide with ours, to change what we can’t change ourselves.  To fill us, to make us feel whole.

It’s interesting how afterwards, we realize that the storms always return to calm, but the stars will always be changed and we don’t choose whose collisions will change us.

We all start as strangers, but we often tend to forget that we also choose who ends up as a stranger too.

 

 

Britt

This next girl I met through social media. Britt is this stunningly and smoking hot girl who has thousands of followers, I was crushing on her for a good while. She has a bunch of tattoos and the way her smile is so infectious was just mind blowing. Her voice was this raspy but sexy tone and her laugh, I’d do anything to hear it when we spoke. I got the chance to get to know her a bit before she ghosted me, she was a kind and beautiful soul who had been through some rough shit and I wanted to continue to get to know her more. I kept trying to reach out but after 3 days, I let it go.

A little bit over a year went by before I spoke to her again, it was like she came out of nowhere. I was just going through a break up and so was she, we were each other’s ears to listen to. She lived in Tampa and was willing to drive down for the Holiday weekend, I was nervous as hell but super excited. (I hadn’t met her in person yet.) She got in town and I showed her around a bit, it wasn’t awkward or anything at all to my surprise. We ended up going out that night for drinks with a few of my friends, she fit right in and it was kind of surreal in the aspect of the fact that I hadn’t had a day where my ex didn’t cross my mind until that night with Britt.

We had an amazing night out, several drinks and plenty of laughs. We had a heart to heart talk about both of our break ups and I just genuinely felt closer to her in a matter of a few hours. We got home and as we laid down, she placed her head on my chest. I played with her hair for a bit while we kept talking, she was slowly turning her face up towards me when I leaned my head down to meet hers. I sat up some to kiss her, my hand gently resting under her jaw line I pulled her closer into our kiss.

Continue reading “Britt”

So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

K

I’ll start this one with some background before getting into it. I went to college in West Virginia and most of the sports teams had “team houses” AKA party centrals. There was the football house which was known for the slip and slide, Cornhole, flip cup relay races. The cheerleaders house which was almost always pre-gaming before going out to Wiseguyz and the basketball house which was GACKME party house! We’d always bounce between the houses each week, a crazy blend of people that always got along and had an amazing time.

Fall time in West Virginia is almost all college students favorite time, it’s football season, bonfires, (in West Virginia it means couch burning) and yes parties galore! This one Sunday afternoon in late September our football team stomped on West Virginia Wesleyan, the post game party was at the football house. We all rushed home and showered, rallied and headed down the street to party! The house was packed and the keg stands were already happening, there was a huge bonfire in the backyard and the smell of West Virginia fall was perfect!

We all were outside by the bonfire, drinking, talking and smoking, one of the cheerleaders (we will call her “K”) was talking to me about where I’m from and what Florida was like. It was an innocent conversation at first but as the drinks kept coming we were sitting closer and closer, she was starting to ask about what it’s like to be with a girl and that she had never been curious until recently. I tend to gain liquid courage as I drink, I mean who doesn’t really? So my first response was honest and then she had asked more detailed questions and I said “it’d be easier to just show you.” I could see her cheeks blushing even with the glow of the fire reflecting off her face. We had plenty of alcohol and I took the chance, I placed my hand under her chin and pulled her into my kiss. We sat there kissing for a bit and I said “you know we can leave or just go upstairs.” She grabbed my hand and we walked inside and up the stair way, we went to the bathroom and I shut the door behind us. We stood there kissing for a second and I asked if she was sure about this. She shook her head yes and continued to kiss me, I picked her up, her legs wrapped around my waist, I pushed everything on the edge of the counter away and I placed her there, next to the sink with her back against the mirror. We were kissing and her dress was pushed up above her hips. I slid her thong to the side so I could push my fingers against her clit, she gripped my back and pulled on my shirt so hard it was choking me with the pressure against my throat.

Continue reading “K”

Un-love you

Some days I think I’m doing amazing, moving on and being happy on my own. Then there’s days where if you could feel even just half of the pain I feel when I get to missing you, the real missing. The ache in my stomach, the welled up tears, that lump in my throat. That heart ache, that pain, that unbearable hurt..maybe then you’d realize how much I truly and deeply loved you.

You were never just “another notch” on my “belt.” You were my entire world and universe all in one. I wanted to spend my life loving you, I had all intentions to never stop loving you and never letting you forget how important you were to me.  Everything I ever said to you, I meant from the bottom of my heart. You don’t believe in fairy tales and you’re a realist but you were the most realistic fairy tale I could’ve ever dreamt of. You were my happily ever after.

Despite anything you could’ve said or done, despite anything you can say or do.. I’m stuck loving you, I don’t know how to stop. Days like those, the days where I really miss you; I wish I could just un-love you.

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I used to take quick showers, for the past few months though I’ve been taking hour long showers. Hoping between the tears and the water, maybe I could wash away the memories. It hasn’t worked yet; all of my friends and family are tired of hearing it. You can’t even imagine how alone that makes someone feel, your friends know you’re hurting but they can’t understand “why in the hell you’re still hung up on her.” Truth is, they don’t know you how I did. They don’t know what your eyes do to me, they don’t know how the smile line in your cheek is imprinted in my brain, they don’t know what it felt like to have you in my nook. They really have no idea what I’d give to hear you say “I love you” even just once more. They don’t understand how I could say “if she were to knock on my door right now, I’d let her back in whole heartedly.”

Trying to get over you is like being at war with myself, I delete all of our photos just to re-select them all and recover them. I swipe right on tinder for a few days in a row but never send a message. I go through the motions with no intentions of following through.

So if anyone has any idea how I’m supposed to un-love the person that I can’t let go of, feel free to share..