Un-love you

Some days I think I’m doing amazing, moving on and being happy on my own. Then there’s days where if you could feel even just half of the pain I feel when I get to missing you, the real missing. The ache in my stomach, the welled up tears, that lump in my throat. That heart ache, that pain, that unbearable hurt..maybe then you’d realize how much I truly and deeply loved you.

You were never just “another notch” on my “belt.” You were my entire world and universe all in one. I wanted to spend my life loving you, I had all intentions to never stop loving you and never letting you forget how important you were to me.  Everything I ever said to you, I meant from the bottom of my heart. You don’t believe in fairy tales and you’re a realist but you were the most realistic fairy tale I could’ve ever dreamt of. You were my happily ever after.

Despite anything you could’ve said or done, despite anything you can say or do.. I’m stuck loving you, I don’t know how to stop. Days like those, the days where I really miss you; I wish I could just un-love you.

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I used to take quick showers, for the past few months though I’ve been taking hour long showers. Hoping between the tears and the water, maybe I could wash away the memories. It hasn’t worked yet; all of my friends and family are tired of hearing it. You can’t even imagine how alone that makes someone feel, your friends know you’re hurting but they can’t understand “why in the hell you’re still hung up on her.” Truth is, they don’t know you how I did. They don’t know what your eyes do to me, they don’t know how the smile line in your cheek is imprinted in my brain, they don’t know what it felt like to have you in my nook. They really have no idea what I’d give to hear you say “I love you” even just once more. They don’t understand how I could say “if she were to knock on my door right now, I’d let her back in whole heartedly.”

Trying to get over you is like being at war with myself, I delete all of our photos just to re-select them all and recover them. I swipe right on tinder for a few days in a row but never send a message. I go through the motions with no intentions of following through.

So if anyone has any idea how I’m supposed to un-love the person that I can’t let go of, feel free to share..

 

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Grief

This post isn’t a normal one for this blog but it’s weighing heavy on my heart this week, leading up to my birthday.

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.  My life feels like it’s been broken up into two parts, with Nannie and After Nannie.  (Nannie is my great grandma who was all of our world.  She was a spunky firecracker and could make anyone laugh any given day.)  After Nannie, nothing has been the same, no holiday has felt complete, everything always feels like there is a giant hole of something that is missing.

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I thought I had more time with her, even though I knew it was coming…I was never going to be prepared for it, for how bad it would hurt.  It’s a touchy subject for me, God.. but I know God broke my heart just to show me he only takes the best.

The hardest part is learning to live without you Nannie.  It is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve had to do the past two years.  August is two years since you left us and nothing has ever felt the same.  Life without you has an emptiness to it.

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They say time heals all wounds, but does it really?  You never complete grief, you just learn to endure it.  You don’t ever finish grieving because where there is deep grief, there was great love.  How do you ever stop missing that love, that person, those memories.

 

I’ll miss you forever and a day Nannie. ❤