It’s time

I think it’s time I let you go. It feels impossible to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But the day dreaming, the running in place, replaying my memories… it’s not healthy. I’ve been holding on to the tiniest bit of hope that you’d come around but you haven’t and you aren’t going to. I had hopes and dreams of us lasting a lifetime and instead we lasted a season.

I’ve deleted you and your family from all social media, it only took me a year but it’s a step in the right direction. I’d delete your number but It’d be pointless since I know it by heart. I hate the way this feels, the “letting go” part but I hate the way I feel inside more. I can’t drive to the airport without remembering what it felt like to drive there hand in hand with you, to hug you goodbye and failing at doing my best not to cry. I remember what it felt like to have our time together and how genuinely happy you used to make me. Now I get angry, I should be able to make myself that happy, I should be enough for myself and yet here I am constantly angry, constantly upset and more often than not crying as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Too many little things remind me of you, so I am left with no choice but to move on. I have to embrace the pain of letting you go, even when it makes me angry. I have to be stronger than the pain in order to survive and thrive again. It’s time that I do what I need to, to find my happiness again. They say happiness is an inside job, so bring on the soul searching.

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So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

Fear of Failure..

I just want to go into a bit more detail about this blog and why I started it NOW.

A couple friends and I used to joke that I’d write a book one day about all the girl’s I’ve been with because none of them were actually into girls.  I wrote about 3 chapters in (Candy Kane, Mary and Val) but never went past that, everyone who read it was asking for more but a book is a lot and I was very hesitant to continue.  I constantly thought about the “what if’s.”  What if it was a stupid idea in all actuality, what if it didn’t work out, what if people started judging me based on the content I was writing about.  Well, I have sat on this idea for almost three years now and the fear of failure, judgement and anything else is no longer in my way.

One of my closest friends suggested I start this blog, I was watching a show on Netflix and one of the people had said “they say you can’t tech an old dog new tricks but you can re-invent yourself and learn new things anytime you want.”  Well this is me, this is me learning new things, re-inventing myself and doing something that is actually making ME happy, for once.

The fear of failure has stopped me from attempting many other things in my life, but not anymore.  There may still be a fear of failure but it no longer controls me or has a say in what I do and don’t do.  This blog is so much more than just sex stories, it’s my outlet, it’s a common ground for other lesbians who have been hurt by someone.  50 Shades of Please be Gay is meant to entertain and hopefully open eyes to some people who are concerned, closeted or confused.  This world is unfair, judgmental and full of fears; it isn’t a reason to sit out though.  Follow your heart, pursue what makes you happy and truth is, once you show the world you’re confident and happy with yourself – you’ll be surprised how much respect, acceptance and positive feedback comes back your way.

 

Keep Smiling Guys.  ❤

-Cayla

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The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.

The sun and her flowers

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I never really thought I would be a poetry fan until a book my friend suggested I read was brought into my life.  A book by Rupi Kaur called The sun and her flowers.

This book brought meaning to “moving on” and getting past relationships and heart breaks I never thought I’d move on from.  This one page in particular, “you are waiting for someone who is not coming back..”

Why do some of us put our lives on hold and play the waiting game, do we think that little our ourselves, our dreams and our aspirations that we are willing to allow people in and out of our lives as they please?  If someone can’t decide or doesn’t have a dying urge to need you in their lives the way you think you need them in yours; why are we so quick to put ourselves on a back burner for people that clearly our love isn’t enough for.

Why do we chase what doesn’t want to be caught?

In the words of Rupi Kaur “Realizations don’t work like that.” Even if they realized they can’t live without you, did they truly realize it or are they just choosing you?  Love isn’t a choice, it’s not circumstantial.   Love is just Love and if someone has to “choose” you, you deserve way more!

(I got the book on the below link!)