It is what it is

Nothing I ever do seems good enough for anyone, maybe that’s why I am so hard on myself and why I am constantly angry with myself. How could I expect myself to have confidence and an ounce of self worth and pride when I don’t get it from anyone else in my life.

I’m not stupid, I know I care too much, I love too hard, forgive too easily and I know I come off too strong. I feel like I do this to make up for whatever it is I may be “missing” inside myself. Yes, a lot of people take advantage of it and a lot of people try to walk all over me.

9 times out of 10, I lay down and take it. Then there are those rare occasions that I choose to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe in.

I tirelessly work towards a future and whatever I think will make me happy; yes it changes often.

I don’t really know where I was going with this post, besides the fact that I know I have a good heart and if that’s not enough for you or if it’s “too much”… well it’s going to be your loss from now on.

I’m no longer blaming myself and giving out unnecessary apologies for being who I am.

-Goodnight

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Friendship

So, they say you can have three types of friends – A friend for a reason, a season and a lifetime.  There are individual reasoning’s behind each one but it never states if they can cross over or change; I’ve had friends that should’ve been lifetime friends become friends for a season and then friends that were there as if sent just for one reason that have become lifetime friends.

I truly feel there are multiple types of friends you can have, from that one true best friend to an adventure buddy, a work friend, a wise mentor, a polar opposite friend and a brutally honest friend.  Everyone needs their circle, it doesn’t mean the friends in that circle need to be connected – Hell, they don’t even have to know each other necessarily.  Your friends are your “team” so to speak, they all play different positions and have a different impact in your life.

I have been blessed with a handful of amazing people that have come into my life and stand by my side at the end of every day, I know they have my back at all times.  They also aren’t afraid to call me out on my “bullshit” and put me in my place when I am wrong.  I am so grateful to my team, my people, my friends.

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To the friends from my past, I am grateful beyond words for the memories.  The lifetime friends that have turned into seasons and even reasons.  The lessons you’ve taught me; good, bad and indifferent.  Thank you.  There will always be a place in my heart for the friendship we once shared but people change and as we get older, people who were once like sisters; they’ll grow apart.  But friendship is like glass and once broken it can be fixed but cracks will remain.  There is no hate in my heart and when you reminisce on the memories I hope you smile like I do because they are some of the best laughs, tears and memories I could ask for.

There was a quote I saw the other day that brought up this post’s inspiration and it says “We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on.”  

We all having “falling outs” and normally we all mend the friendships but some, some can’t be completely healed.  Some friendships, once lost – they’re gone forever and it’s a sad day when the realization of that occurs.  So to my lifetime’s turned into seasons; I’ll always be here, I’ll forever cheer you on from a distance and for a lifetime I’ll be nothing but happy for you.

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The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.

Blonde Bombshell

I went to college in West Virginia, it’s where and when I really started to find myself. I had the truest freedom anyone could have asked for, new place, new faces; a brand new start. Even though I was 17 turning 18, I got to go clubbing, bar hopping, and being open completely with no reservations about my sexuality. Being on the basketball team had plenty of perks with only one con of that 5am practice time. Some of the perks were being able to go to the mountaineer mart (gas station) and get any beer I wanted, having a party every other night at either the basketball team house, cheerleaders house or football players house And we were treated like royalty up there! So back to the bombshell, one of these parties in particular was like a mixer for the different teams, the cheerleaders were coming in with their boyfriends on their arms and in walked this one blonde bombshell!! She had on this black spaghetti strap dress with a bulky cross necklace, her arm linked in with this guy who looked like a total douche. I couldn’t take my eyes off her all night, even a teammate told me “wishful thinking Florida!” I could care less at that point, I didn’t want any other girl, I wanted her. Her tight ripped arms and her smile… God her smile. The ways her green eyes scanned the room, the way her hair was perfectly still as she walked…the fact she was off limits made me want her more.

A few weeks had gone by and she was all I could think about, so when the chance to go to the cheerleaders house party arose, I jumped on it. We walked in and I couldn’t see her but I knew she was there, I don’t know how to explain it but my gut had butterflies as if she was standing right next to me. I went on to play beer pong on the back patio, we were laughing and having a great time until one of the guys literally launched himself across the table made out of a sheet of plywood, while screaming “Kobe!” At the top of his lungs. The cups spilt everywhere and table collapsed underneath him. The beer was everywhere and all over myself, I went to the restroom to try and clean up, as I opened the door I realized there was someone in there. I quickly went to shut it back until I heard someone crying in there, I poked my head around the doorway and asked if she was okay.. she mumbled something I couldn’t understand so I went in and saw it was her, the blonde bombshell, makeup a mess and she herself was just a crying mess. I stepped all the way into the restroom, shut the door behind me and knelt down beside her, I pushed her hair out of her face and lifted her chin up to see my face. I asked what was wrong and if I could fix whatever it was. She cried into my shoulder and said “I’m single for the first time in forever, I should be happy but I don’t know why I’m crying.” I wiped her tears and told her It’s more of a reason to go to Wise Guys with everyone and enjoy yourself despite whatever is going on! Be happy for yourself, you’re too gorgeous to cry.

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At that point we were all too Intoxicated to drive so we walked, it was only about half a mile away so it wasn’t too bad. We all walked up together, laughing and joking.. as we walked In to Wise Guys, we immediately went up stairs, grabbed a drink at the bar and hit the dance floor (which had a strippers pole to the left.) Now you should know I don’t really dance but apparently ALL of the cheerleaders do. My blonde bombshell was by my side the entire time and it took a while but convinced me to get on the pole with her. She grabbed my hand and I couldn’t even think straight, I followed her just so she wouldn’t let go. She started to dance and twirl around me when she stopped dead in her tracks, she spun around and said she had to go. I followed her out of the bar area, down the stairs and out of the front door. She was crying again, I caught up to her pretty quickly in the parking lot and grabbed her arm. She hugged me and was crying that he (the douche bag) was there with his ex before her. I said “fuck him, fuck her, we don’t need this place. Let’s go back and have our own party.” As we got back to the cheerleaders house, she realized she never brought a key. We checked all windows and doors but no luck, we ended up walking around the block to the basketball team house. We were all terrible at locking the door honestly, it was unlocked when we got there and no one was home. The music was still playing, so we made drinks and sat down on the couch while she calmed down a bit more. I kept telling her how beautiful she was, that it’s definitely his loss and how much more she deserved than someone who treated her like nothing and wasn’t hurt by her crying.

Continue reading “Blonde Bombshell”

#OOMF

*One Of My Friends*

That one little hashtag is filled with funny, loving and heartbreaking posts.

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If you’ve ever fallen for one of your friends, you know what I’m talking about when I say heartbreaking posts. To fall for or even have a crush on someone so close to your heart, someone that is a huge part of your life and someone that means the world to you but not be able to be with them. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

All you’ve ever wanted was them, it could be a simple crush, it could be a crush or find feeling you’ve had for a few months but then there are the ones that hurt and you have to suppress to the deepest parts of your soul. The ones that sting a little every time you see them with someone else, it’s a knife through the heart. When they talk about them, it’s nails on a chalkboard. Now don’t get me wrong, all you’ve ever wanted was them to be happy and when you see them smiling, your heart is happy yet a bitter sweet feeling.

They’re as happy as you have always wanted them but you’re not the reason behind that smile, that laugh or those heart eye emojis.

You have to keep suppressing and supporting because it’s your duty as a best friend, it’s your duty as a human being to know what someone else needs to make them happy.

To all of those people, guys and girls, it doesn’t matter which one. To all of you that are the friend referred to in that #OOMF. Be easy on your friends heart, be mindful of the bad days they may have but most importantly..be understanding that sometimes, somethings you say will hurt them. You won’t know it though. They would never let you know. Tread lightly on them, on that friendship. It gets easier for them when they see your happiness is for good this time. They will always love you. I will always love you.