Running is my therapy

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I’m not the best runner but I continue to run.   Running is the alone time that allows my brain to untangle the webs that have built up in my mind over the past day or two.

Despite the pain, because it heals my emotional pain.

Despite the self-doubt, because when I’m done – I’ve conquered myself.

Despite the chaos in my life, running allows me to find peace within myself.

When I’m feeling stressed, sad, happy or I just need to clear my head – I run.

The running path is a great listener and it’s free therapy.

My favorite little saying is:  Turn your headphones on and turn the world off.

These headphones are my absolute favorite, they are Bluetooth and sound cancelling.  Amazon has a few color options and they ship straight to you!  Check them out by clicking on them below!

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Eli

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I had met Eli at a neighborhood lesbian bar, where I had been going on occasion for a couple years. The first night I laid eyes on her was out on the dance floor, this short beautiful brunette caught my eye and I couldn’t turn my gaze away. The music was loud, lights were flashing and moving all over but between the glares I could make out this smile. Jesus was her smile flawless, we ended up moving closer to each other and eventually were dancing together, as the song winded down our faces were so close I just kissed her, it was electrifying.

Continue reading “Eli”

Kristy

There was a new girl at work, Kristy. I never do well with new people normally, my patience is always thin and I don’t necessarily like change.  This one ended up being different though, over the next few months we worked together multiple times each week. It just seemed that my lust wouldn’t stop growing as I’d admire her toned body, check out her expertly applied makeup, and dream about kissing her glossed lips. At certain times of the year, our company would sponsor the local children’s hospital which meant temporarily new uniforms! For some reason, the new shirts seemed to emphasize her tits, which during one discussion she had mentioned were an all-natural D.

I did begin playfully flirting with her. Mostly because it’s my personality anyways, but with her, I couldn’t hold back the serious undertone. I was taking inventory one night and putting the liquor away and she simply stepped up behind me to reach around my side. As she did, she pressed up against me slightly. I stood there frozen, mind completely empty, until she realized our situation and pulled back with an embarrassed laugh. We joked as only women could about the situation, but I was left wet and frustrated.

A few nights later we went out for drinks after we got off of work, it was just us so I sat next to her at the bar. She had her legs crossed and her top leg was wrapped up in my leg. My hand kept finding itself resting on her thigh as we were talking and just getting to know each other on a more personal level. Kristy was telling me about her past relationship and how he was just awful to her, it was breaking my heart and all I wanted to do was kiss her but I held back. After a couple of hours we decided to head out, I walked her to her car and she had asked if I wanted to see her new place, I hesitated but accepted and followed her there. We got to her door and the dim porch light was shining as we laughed because she was buzzed and couldn’t get the door unlocked, I offered to help and she stepped to the side. First try and the door unlocked, she shot me this grin, pushed me against the wall and kissed me. I swung the door open more as we stepped inside keeping our lips together, our tongues slipping in and out of the others mouth, She took my hand and led me to the couch. She laid on top of me, our legs intertwining. She stretched out along me, stretching our arms over our heads. This pressed our breasts into each other, and she brought her leg up. I looked up at her through half-drunk eyes, and saw the same desire looking down at me. I ran my hand down her arm to her breast, squeezing it up to my mouth as I sucked her nipple in. I flicked my tongue rapidly over it and she gasped, her other hand grasping mine. I lightly nibbled it with my teeth, which made her hips ripple in pleasure, then ran my hand back up her arm before repeating the whole thing on the other side.

Continue reading “Kristy”

Only Human

“Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.”

Everything nowadays seems to be about race, culture, religion, body image and popularity. Everyone strives to be “insta famous” or “go viral.” When the world and the human race needs more kindness, more understanding and all around more love. The world needs more GOOD HUMANS.

Do you demonstrate love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, humility, patience, faithfulness, self control, consideration, integrity, dignity and accountability. Do you walk in forgiveness and understanding of others. There are few people today who fall into any of these categories and if you find one, run with that person because that person is positive and someone you can always count on as not just a true friend but a good human.

No one is perfect, no one is consistently any of these qualities above but everyone can try. If everyone tried a little harder every day to even be just a decent human, this world we all live in, this world we are raising kids in would be an even more beautiful place than it already is.

BE A GOOD HUMAN IN YOUR OWN WAY

At the end of the day, you are the one who people will always be thankful for because their lives wouldn’t be the same without you.

Don’t forget we are all ONLY HUMAN!

**if you’d like to get the shirt I’m wearing or any other shirts, hats or stickers! Check out Only Human Co.

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So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

Un-love you

Some days I think I’m doing amazing, moving on and being happy on my own. Then there’s days where if you could feel even just half of the pain I feel when I get to missing you, the real missing. The ache in my stomach, the welled up tears, that lump in my throat. That heart ache, that pain, that unbearable hurt..maybe then you’d realize how much I truly and deeply loved you.

You were never just “another notch” on my “belt.” You were my entire world and universe all in one. I wanted to spend my life loving you, I had all intentions to never stop loving you and never letting you forget how important you were to me.  Everything I ever said to you, I meant from the bottom of my heart. You don’t believe in fairy tales and you’re a realist but you were the most realistic fairy tale I could’ve ever dreamt of. You were my happily ever after.

Despite anything you could’ve said or done, despite anything you can say or do.. I’m stuck loving you, I don’t know how to stop. Days like those, the days where I really miss you; I wish I could just un-love you.

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I used to take quick showers, for the past few months though I’ve been taking hour long showers. Hoping between the tears and the water, maybe I could wash away the memories. It hasn’t worked yet; all of my friends and family are tired of hearing it. You can’t even imagine how alone that makes someone feel, your friends know you’re hurting but they can’t understand “why in the hell you’re still hung up on her.” Truth is, they don’t know you how I did. They don’t know what your eyes do to me, they don’t know how the smile line in your cheek is imprinted in my brain, they don’t know what it felt like to have you in my nook. They really have no idea what I’d give to hear you say “I love you” even just once more. They don’t understand how I could say “if she were to knock on my door right now, I’d let her back in whole heartedly.”

Trying to get over you is like being at war with myself, I delete all of our photos just to re-select them all and recover them. I swipe right on tinder for a few days in a row but never send a message. I go through the motions with no intentions of following through.

So if anyone has any idea how I’m supposed to un-love the person that I can’t let go of, feel free to share..

 

Grief

This post isn’t a normal one for this blog but it’s weighing heavy on my heart this week, leading up to my birthday.

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.  My life feels like it’s been broken up into two parts, with Nannie and After Nannie.  (Nannie is my great grandma who was all of our world.  She was a spunky firecracker and could make anyone laugh any given day.)  After Nannie, nothing has been the same, no holiday has felt complete, everything always feels like there is a giant hole of something that is missing.

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I thought I had more time with her, even though I knew it was coming…I was never going to be prepared for it, for how bad it would hurt.  It’s a touchy subject for me, God.. but I know God broke my heart just to show me he only takes the best.

The hardest part is learning to live without you Nannie.  It is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve had to do the past two years.  August is two years since you left us and nothing has ever felt the same.  Life without you has an emptiness to it.

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They say time heals all wounds, but does it really?  You never complete grief, you just learn to endure it.  You don’t ever finish grieving because where there is deep grief, there was great love.  How do you ever stop missing that love, that person, those memories.

 

I’ll miss you forever and a day Nannie. ❤