So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

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K

I’ll start this one with some background before getting into it. I went to college in West Virginia and most of the sports teams had “team houses” AKA party centrals. There was the football house which was known for the slip and slide, Cornhole, flip cup relay races. The cheerleaders house which was almost always pre-gaming before going out to Wiseguyz and the basketball house which was GACKME party house! We’d always bounce between the houses each week, a crazy blend of people that always got along and had an amazing time.

Fall time in West Virginia is almost all college students favorite time, it’s football season, bonfires, (in West Virginia it means couch burning) and yes parties galore! This one Sunday afternoon in late September our football team stomped on West Virginia Wesleyan, the post game party was at the football house. We all rushed home and showered, rallied and headed down the street to party! The house was packed and the keg stands were already happening, there was a huge bonfire in the backyard and the smell of West Virginia fall was perfect!

We all were outside by the bonfire, drinking, talking and smoking, one of the cheerleaders (we will call her “K”) was talking to me about where I’m from and what Florida was like. It was an innocent conversation at first but as the drinks kept coming we were sitting closer and closer, she was starting to ask about what it’s like to be with a girl and that she had never been curious until recently. I tend to gain liquid courage as I drink, I mean who doesn’t really? So my first response was honest and then she had asked more detailed questions and I said “it’d be easier to just show you.” I could see her cheeks blushing even with the glow of the fire reflecting off her face. We had plenty of alcohol and I took the chance, I placed my hand under her chin and pulled her into my kiss. We sat there kissing for a bit and I said “you know we can leave or just go upstairs.” She grabbed my hand and we walked inside and up the stair way, we went to the bathroom and I shut the door behind us. We stood there kissing for a second and I asked if she was sure about this. She shook her head yes and continued to kiss me, I picked her up, her legs wrapped around my waist, I pushed everything on the edge of the counter away and I placed her there, next to the sink with her back against the mirror. We were kissing and her dress was pushed up above her hips. I slid her thong to the side so I could push my fingers against her clit, she gripped my back and pulled on my shirt so hard it was choking me with the pressure against my throat.

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Macy

Growing up in my family meant multiple vacations a year in Chokoloskee spent fishing with family and friends. I loved every vacation we had there.

This one year in particular we went with several of my parents friends and their families. I was freshly 21 years old, went through an extremely ugly break up and drinking all kinds of alcohol. My parents one friend Macy, was recently separated from her husband and we had gotten to talking just in general, we had several things in common. We made drinks and spent the first evening there making Jell-O shots for everyone so they could cool over night. We mixed the blue jello with vodka, the red with rum and the green with tequila. We had the place to our selves and were just talking more about our most recent heartbreaks while we took turns passing the left over liquor bottles back and forth taking shots out of each. I came up with the genius idea of playing “Never have I ever.”

Almost everyone knows about this game, it’s a fun way to learn “fun facts” about your friends. The questions vary from “never have I ever kissed a girl” to “never have I ever popped a Molly” to anything else you can think of that you haven’t done, that someone else playing has done. If anyone in the group HAS done it, then they’d have to drink. So now it’s just the two of us playing and obviously we are getting drunk extremely fast.

We were like two teenage girls giggling and leaning into each other on the couch. We had music playing and it was just genuinely a great memory. Macy and I ended up passing out that night on the couch, woke up the next morning around 6am to head out fishing for the day. We were all out on the water for hours that day, came back in for lunch and cooler refills. Before heading back out Macy came walking down the dock in these daisy duke shorts, the top button was undone so her bikini bottoms were peaking through, her tank top was in her hand and her gray bikini top with orange and gold designs was all I could see. I put the boat in neutral and told shouted for her to go out on the water with me this time! I was fishing on my own anyways, some company would be perfect. She hurried up, hopped on and we were off. A side note you need to understand is Choko is also called 10,000 islands. There are so many islands to get lost in and different fishing areas, finding privacy out there isn’t hard at all. So I get the boat on a plane and run south down to one of the fishing spots I know of. As I’m running, I kept glancing over and couldn’t help but to begin to notice how attractive Macy is. Yes she’s much older than I was but she had this short burgundy hair that fit her fave perfectly and when she wasn’t wearing her glasses, I could see these darker green specks in her eyes when the sun hit them at certain angles.

She was sitting next to me and was relatively close to me, but I was comfortable with her so it wasn’t a big deal.

We got to the fishing spot, I slowed the boat to a stop just off the islands ledge and oyster bar. I put the power pole down and rigged both rods up with popping corks while she made us both a drink. We did a “cheers” and cast our lines out, music playing and our conversation started back up from the previous night, talking and spending time with Macy was like hanging out with a long lost friend. I was comfortable, I was able to be myself and I was happy in the moment. After a couple hours of fishing we had gotten a couple keepers and decided to let the boat drift along the back of the islands and we laid out towels and relaxed, enjoying the sunset, music, drinks and salty air. Somehow the conversation turned into Macy questioning if she preferred women over men. I said “I’ve only been with girls that choose men, they tell me there’s a comfort level when they’re with me that they feel safe to explore their curiosity.” She sat half way up, there was a look of relief on her face. I asked what was wrong, she took a big swig from her cup looked at me and said “your parents can’t know this happens.”

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Olivia

So there was this girl Olivia, she dated one of my friends from high school for a couple years. They ended up breaking up and about a year later we bumped in to each other at the mall, she looked like she could use a friend so I offered dinner and drinks. There were no ulterior motives behind my offer, I swear! We ended up going right then, headed over to a local sports bar and had several drinks, the more I drank; the more I was noticing how hot she actually was. I guess because she was dating my friend, I never really saw her in that way. It was hard to ignore now though, she had this luscious long blonde wavy hair, her body was toned all over, you could see her muscle cuts through her clothing for Christ sake! Her teeth lined up perfectly when she smiled too. Her eyes, they were this perfectly round and hazel-ish, green color. So as we were drinking, we were just bullshitting and talking about our past relationships and everything in general. She glanced at her phone and realized we had been here for several hours and it was almost 10pm. One of her friends had text her asking to go to a bar that’s open later, she invited me to tag along. I gladly said yes. We get to this bar and I had never been there before, we walk in and there’s bartenders making out with customers ON TOP of the bar! We sat at the other end of the bar order a round and out of nowhere I feel Olivia’s hand on my thigh. I looked over and she just flashed me a quick smile. Her friend showed up and we stayed there drinking for about another hour. I told them I was going to head out soon, they both agreed it was time for all of us to go anyways, we paid and I followed them out of the door. Olivia hugged her friend goodbye and as I was walking her to her car she was telling me how she didn’t want to go home just yet. I offered for her to come over to my house and hang out, she stopped walking, leaned into me and the second her lips touched mine I pushed her against her car and we stood there making out for a few mins before she pulled away to say “I’ll follow you to your house.” Continue reading “Olivia”

Molly

A few times a year my family and I go fishing on the west coast of Florida to this beautiful little island called Chokoloskee. This was one of the first vacations there I decided to bring my girlfriend, Molly and I dated for a few months before she went on a family vacation with us there. Just so you have some insight, Molly’s family wasn’t very accepting of us. Her mom would always pray with her before any trip but this one, she didn’t; Molly even asked and she wouldn’t. Before getting on the road, we stopped for gas and while the pump was on I walked over to her side of the truck, I grabbed her hands and I prayed for our trip, I prayed that the fishing God’s would take care of our catches and I prayed with everything in me that her mom would open her heart to this. (She never did but I did all I knew how to in that moment.) We got on the road and it was pure bliss, just us two driving with my hand stretched across on her leg, 90’s and 2000’s music playing. She was taking hundreds of photos of us and kept leaning over to place her head on my shoulder, I was on top of the world in that moment. We got to the vacation house where everyone already was setting up, we had our camper there and we roamed the island before unloading and heading down to the dock and boats. She walked everywhere with me while holding my hand, she’d sneak kisses and hugs every chance she got. We grabbed some beers and headed out on the golf cart to go show her Worley Street and the other parts of the island like Small woods museum and store.By the time the sun was going down we had put back several beers each and had a decent buzz going, we headed back to the camper to put the golf cart away, then went to meet everyone at the tiki bar where they were grilling up dinner. It is always an amazing time out there and with Molly by my side this trip, it was the best yet.

The liquor was brought out at some point, somewhat of a blur but I know it was followed with nothing but smiles and laughs.It was officially dark out and we had cleaned up dinner, everyone was heading back up to the campers for showers and calling it a night.

Now to give you a bit of a background into this, I was Molly’s first (and only) girlfriend and I had been asking her to “sit on my face” but she was never comfortable doing it.

**PSA TO ALL GIRLS – YOU WILL NOT SUFFOCATE SOMEONE BY SITTING ON THEIR FACE, OKAY?!**

Okay, back to my story…

Continue reading “Molly”