The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.


Blonde Bombshell

I went to college in West Virginia, it’s where and when I really started to find myself. I had the truest freedom anyone could have asked for, new place, new faces; a brand new start. Even though I was 17 turning 18, I got to go clubbing, bar hopping, and being open completely with no reservations about my sexuality. Being on the basketball team had plenty of perks with only one con of that 5am practice time. Some of the perks were being able to go to the mountaineer mart (gas station) and get any beer I wanted, having a party every other night at either the basketball team house, cheerleaders house or football players house And we were treated like royalty up there! So back to the bombshell, one of these parties in particular was like a mixer for the different teams, the cheerleaders were coming in with their boyfriends on their arms and in walked this one blonde bombshell!! She had on this black spaghetti strap dress with a bulky cross necklace, her arm linked in with this guy who looked like a total douche. I couldn’t take my eyes off her all night, even a teammate told me “wishful thinking Florida!” I could care less at that point, I didn’t want any other girl, I wanted her. Her tight ripped arms and her smile… God her smile. The ways her green eyes scanned the room, the way her hair was perfectly still as she walked…the fact she was off limits made me want her more.

A few weeks had gone by and she was all I could think about, so when the chance to go to the cheerleaders house party arose, I jumped on it. We walked in and I couldn’t see her but I knew she was there, I don’t know how to explain it but my gut had butterflies as if she was standing right next to me. I went on to play beer pong on the back patio, we were laughing and having a great time until one of the guys literally launched himself across the table made out of a sheet of plywood, while screaming “Kobe!” At the top of his lungs. The cups spilt everywhere and table collapsed underneath him. The beer was everywhere and all over myself, I went to the restroom to try and clean up, as I opened the door I realized there was someone in there. I quickly went to shut it back until I heard someone crying in there, I poked my head around the doorway and asked if she was okay.. she mumbled something I couldn’t understand so I went in and saw it was her, the blonde bombshell, makeup a mess and she herself was just a crying mess. I stepped all the way into the restroom, shut the door behind me and knelt down beside her, I pushed her hair out of her face and lifted her chin up to see my face. I asked what was wrong and if I could fix whatever it was. She cried into my shoulder and said “I’m single for the first time in forever, I should be happy but I don’t know why I’m crying.” I wiped her tears and told her It’s more of a reason to go to Wise Guys with everyone and enjoy yourself despite whatever is going on! Be happy for yourself, you’re too gorgeous to cry.


At that point we were all too Intoxicated to drive so we walked, it was only about half a mile away so it wasn’t too bad. We all walked up together, laughing and joking.. as we walked In to Wise Guys, we immediately went up stairs, grabbed a drink at the bar and hit the dance floor (which had a strippers pole to the left.) Now you should know I don’t really dance but apparently ALL of the cheerleaders do. My blonde bombshell was by my side the entire time and it took a while but convinced me to get on the pole with her. She grabbed my hand and I couldn’t even think straight, I followed her just so she wouldn’t let go. She started to dance and twirl around me when she stopped dead in her tracks, she spun around and said she had to go. I followed her out of the bar area, down the stairs and out of the front door. She was crying again, I caught up to her pretty quickly in the parking lot and grabbed her arm. She hugged me and was crying that he (the douche bag) was there with his ex before her. I said “fuck him, fuck her, we don’t need this place. Let’s go back and have our own party.” As we got back to the cheerleaders house, she realized she never brought a key. We checked all windows and doors but no luck, we ended up walking around the block to the basketball team house. We were all terrible at locking the door honestly, it was unlocked when we got there and no one was home. The music was still playing, so we made drinks and sat down on the couch while she calmed down a bit more. I kept telling her how beautiful she was, that it’s definitely his loss and how much more she deserved than someone who treated her like nothing and wasn’t hurt by her crying.

Continue reading “Blonde Bombshell”


In honor of the 4th of July, I decided it was the perfect blog entry to post.


About five years ago I met this girl named Jenn, she had dated a mutual friend for a few months and had her heartbroken by him.She was starting to move on and had no plans for the 4th due to the break up; I had mentioned to her every year we do a block party at my house and shut down the street, over abundance of food, alcohol and loud music. The kids run around, bikes, scooters and ride on toys throughout the street since there is no thru traffic. There’s tables and chairs, tents and corn hole in every yard. I told Jenn she was more than welcome to come, I had a couple other friends coming as well. We had been texting the week leading up and there were little flirtatious passes on both sides, she mentioned she didn’t want to drive if she drank so I dropped the little “you don’t need an excuse to cuddle with me.” I made a comment about bringing a swim suit because of the pool and her response was “I know you want to see me in little to no clothing.”The day of the BBQ she had come over early to help set up, I was in the shed grabbing the tables and chairs when the door had shut (which was the only lighting inside of the shed) I turned around to push it back open and Jenn was right there, I didn’t even hear her approach me! She grabbed the side of the table I was holding, brought her face right up to mine, her nose was against my chin. She slowly and so softly moved her nose over my lips and to mine. She tilted her head to where our lips were a hairline away from each other, flashed me a smirk and said “you’ll have to wait until later for this.” Then smiled, laughed and walked away with the table I was carrying.I followed her out to the front yard with chairs, as I was opening them up and setting them out at tables my parents came out and said they had to run to the store; that we could relax until they got back to help more. We both finished setting up what we had brought out and went inside to relax and watch TV.  Jenn was sitting a seat away from me on the couch, I grabbed a pillow and used her lap to lay down. She was instantly  running her hands through my hair and kept tracing my ear with her pinky. I was getting chills down my spine because of it. I finally couldn’t take it, I kept replaying her teasing me in the shed and I wanted to know what her kiss was like. I sat up and just grabbed her face and pulled her into me. She leaned right back into me and we sat there kissing for a few minutes when she pulled back and said “that’s enough for now, I can’t let you have your way all at once now can I?” I wished so much she would’ve, I wanted her, I wanted more. Her kiss was addictive to me, the way she traced my bottom lip with her tongue right before biting it. I didn’t want to stop, she sat back and shot another smirk my way and said “I’m not this easy Cay.”Throughout the night we’d find ourselves in an area where no one else was and steal a couple kisses every chance we got. We had an amazing time and it was almost time for fireworks, our yards and street were beginning to fill up and I came up with the brilliant idea that I wanted to get on get roof for fireworks, I leaned over the back of Jenn’s chair and said “follow me.” She got up and walked in the house after me, I grabbed two beach towels and slipped out of the back door. She was insisting I tell her what we were doing but I just kept saying “you’ll see, trust me.” Continue reading “Jenn”