Pain

 

While it is painful to forget someone, it is also painful to wait for someone but the truest pain, the toughest pain is trying to decide if you should wait or forget.

Pain will always come and go.  It is just one major component to the grand scheme of life and love.  It is in fact one of life’s great teachers, but it is necessary to move through it and not get stuck.

Pain can and will serve as a necessary teacher.

When we were children, it was natural for us to cry or throw a temper tantrum, it allowed the experience to move through us. Through the tears, yelling and crying, our emotions would flee and we would be washed clean in a sense.

As we got older we noticed and learned that expressing emotion in such a way was no longer appropriate, and so we were forced to develop coping strategies to deal with our feelings and emotions.

We may have begun bottling things up or just chose to run away from all of it.

Perhaps we fell into a state of mind that staying closed off and unwilling to try new things as it would keep us safe from any potential heartbreak, it would keep us safe from any rejection, and most definitely safe from future failures.

Pain comes with a sadistic side to it as well, no matter how well we know someone or something is bad for us; we continue to chase them, we continue to wait for them.  It leads us to have an inner war with ourselves as to why we should not let them go, why we should see what could happen.

If you’ve ever gotten a tattoo – there is a therapeutic release that occurs for some of us.  The pain brings ease, getting a tattoo relieves stress for me.  Many girls dye or cut their hair after a break up, to that I say… Screw Cupid’s Arrow; hit me with a tattoo needle!

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Don’t mind me while I sob during Savasana

 

18198541_1686181698351693_3657995410615878637_n     The practice of yoga is one I am most unquestionably a beginner at and I am proud of being a beginner, I have amazing instructors and friends at the studio I go to.  During the course of a class there is a sequencing of Asanas, there’s holding of poses.. scattered with slight reflections along with the careful placement of restorative moments and then there’s the instructor who just seems to be speaking right to me; it’s like a horoscope…how do THEY KNOW what I AM going through?! It all leaves my heart gaping wide open and pulsating with emotions. “Inhale, and exhale. On the exhale, sigh ‘let…gooo…”

That phrase “let go” is purely simple but declares passionately to everyone in their own way. Whether you are genuinely happy, whether you are still in love with someone, or you’re in a job that is leading you astray, or you’re holding onto a belief, grudge or regret that is no longer serving you or if it’s all of the above…”let go,” will typically cover it for everybody.

Here in this room we have our instructor who is the guide but we do the inner work that leads to a feeling of overwhelming emotional connection with our souls. We step out of the world’s havoc and chaos, into a hot and low lit studio after a long day of being who the world expects us to be. We get to let all of the stress and anxiety go, even if it’s just for an hour.

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Last night was my first night back to Casa D Hot Yoga in almost 6 months. To my surprise I went through the entire Vinyasa class feeling stronger in my flow of poses than I had in a very long while.

Yet that moment when I stopped moving, the urge to cry overcame me like waves in the ocean and my tears started their own strong flow. I am not one who cries very easily, and most definitely not anywhere in public. I might let a tear or two out, but unless I am alone, I tend to suck it up and move on but in the silence of that room, the stillness of my body and the calmness of my mind, everything I had been bottling up and all of the tension I had left unresolved. It all over flowed and came bubbling to the surface. It felt as if I was carrying around baggage I thought I had unpacked, instead it was collecting dust and adding weight to itself that I was unaware of. That Savasana Sob was a release of anger, hurt, frustration and sadness I had been allowing to weigh myself down for months.

So if you catch yourself sobbing during your Savasana, let it happen. It’s a part of healing, it’s a part of moving on and it’s what your mind, body and soul need in that moment; let the tears flow.

 

 

World War III

     There’s three sides in this war;  me, myself and I.

I think all three sides are fighting for the same thing but none want to accept it. I’m not 100% sure where any of the three sides stands firmly on either side of this war though, each day is a different view, a different argument and a different battle.  

To love and to be loved, isn’t that what almost everyone wants?  Well used to think that love was everything and without it, I was nothing.  There was something so magical about having someone with you 24/7, someone to go to and be there for.  Yet, now am not even certain it’s something as important in my life any longer.  Is marriage really worth it any more?  Is marriage even the goal for anyone that is single today? It sure doesn’t seem like it. I know people who get married for all of the wrong reasons and are never genuinely happy.

Marriage, that’s a touchy topic for most people.  As for me, every day is a different thought.  I’ve got friends getting married left and right, finding their “forever’s” and starting families.  Everything in me screams to follow suit but then there is that little voice that whispers, travel, adventure, explore the world.  Which that is a dream of mine but when I get home from those adventures, when that wanderlust is satisfied… I walk in the door and it’s just me there.  I have no one to come home to, it’s a straight shot from cloud nine to the ground with no parachute.

Then the side that is for myself I have yet to figure out what it wants either.  This side says things like “I’m not looking for something serious”, “I’m open to seeing what happens”, “I want to take things slow.”  Only to end up rushing into things and wanting more but not getting anything back.  On the flip side, when things do show some kind of connection and as if it is going somewhere, I turn face and run.  I hide myself, in hopes of protecting my own heart I guess; I’m really not sure. I have watched friends who say they’re so in love but on the inside, they have settled for less than what they deserve. It’s a catch 22 pretty much.  I know myself too well and I know what is going to happen, yet I still let it.

My friends and family that are married, they laugh and joke “I thank God I don’t have to date anymore, it’s not what it used to be.”  “Dating is a joke in today’s world.”  Well guess what y’all?  Anyone that is trying to date and find a “forever,” they’re stuck in this world – we are stuck trying to find a “forever” in a world filled with liars, players, cheaters and people afraid of commitment.  So be cautious when you say that, be aware that maybe someone is hurting and struggling with deciding if it’s even worth it for them, despite how much deep down they do want that forever kind of love.

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Strangers

We all start as strangers, there is no doubt about that.

The choices that we make in terms of love are usually ones that seem to be inevitable anyway.

We will find people irrationally compelling. We will find souls made of the same stuff ours are. We will find classmates and partners and neighbors and family friends and cousins and sisters in our lives and we intersect in a way that makes them feel like they couldn’t have ever been separate. And this, this is lovely.among_strangers_by_lesley_oldaker-d8j255o

But the ease and access isn’t what we crave.

 

It isn’t what I’m writing about right now.

 

It isn’t what we revolve around and worry about after it’s gone.

We are all just waiting for another universe to collide with ours, to change what we can’t change ourselves.  To fill us, to make us feel whole.

It’s interesting how afterwards, we realize that the storms always return to calm, but the stars will always be changed and we don’t choose whose collisions will change us.

We all start as strangers, but we often tend to forget that we also choose who ends up as a stranger too.

 

 

Friendship

So, they say you can have three types of friends – A friend for a reason, a season and a lifetime.  There are individual reasoning’s behind each one but it never states if they can cross over or change; I’ve had friends that should’ve been lifetime friends become friends for a season and then friends that were there as if sent just for one reason that have become lifetime friends.

I truly feel there are multiple types of friends you can have, from that one true best friend to an adventure buddy, a work friend, a wise mentor, a polar opposite friend and a brutally honest friend.  Everyone needs their circle, it doesn’t mean the friends in that circle need to be connected – Hell, they don’t even have to know each other necessarily.  Your friends are your “team” so to speak, they all play different positions and have a different impact in your life.

I have been blessed with a handful of amazing people that have come into my life and stand by my side at the end of every day, I know they have my back at all times.  They also aren’t afraid to call me out on my “bullshit” and put me in my place when I am wrong.  I am so grateful to my team, my people, my friends.

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To the friends from my past, I am grateful beyond words for the memories.  The lifetime friends that have turned into seasons and even reasons.  The lessons you’ve taught me; good, bad and indifferent.  Thank you.  There will always be a place in my heart for the friendship we once shared but people change and as we get older, people who were once like sisters; they’ll grow apart.  But friendship is like glass and once broken it can be fixed but cracks will remain.  There is no hate in my heart and when you reminisce on the memories I hope you smile like I do because they are some of the best laughs, tears and memories I could ask for.

There was a quote I saw the other day that brought up this post’s inspiration and it says “We all lose friends.. we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on.”  

We all having “falling outs” and normally we all mend the friendships but some, some can’t be completely healed.  Some friendships, once lost – they’re gone forever and it’s a sad day when the realization of that occurs.  So to my lifetime’s turned into seasons; I’ll always be here, I’ll forever cheer you on from a distance and for a lifetime I’ll be nothing but happy for you.

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