Fear of Failure..

I just want to go into a bit more detail about this blog and why I started it NOW.

A couple friends and I used to joke that I’d write a book one day about all the girl’s I’ve been with because none of them were actually into girls.  I wrote about 3 chapters in (Candy Kane, Mary and Val) but never went past that, everyone who read it was asking for more but a book is a lot and I was very hesitant to continue.  I constantly thought about the “what if’s.”  What if it was a stupid idea in all actuality, what if it didn’t work out, what if people started judging me based on the content I was writing about.  Well, I have sat on this idea for almost three years now and the fear of failure, judgement and anything else is no longer in my way.

One of my closest friends suggested I start this blog, I was watching a show on Netflix and one of the people had said “they say you can’t tech an old dog new tricks but you can re-invent yourself and learn new things anytime you want.”  Well this is me, this is me learning new things, re-inventing myself and doing something that is actually making ME happy, for once.

The fear of failure has stopped me from attempting many other things in my life, but not anymore.  There may still be a fear of failure but it no longer controls me or has a say in what I do and don’t do.  This blog is so much more than just sex stories, it’s my outlet, it’s a common ground for other lesbians who have been hurt by someone.  50 Shades of Please be Gay is meant to entertain and hopefully open eyes to some people who are concerned, closeted or confused.  This world is unfair, judgmental and full of fears; it isn’t a reason to sit out though.  Follow your heart, pursue what makes you happy and truth is, once you show the world you’re confident and happy with yourself – you’ll be surprised how much respect, acceptance and positive feedback comes back your way.

 

Keep Smiling Guys.  ❤

-Cayla

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The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.

Katy

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The high school I went to has always had a decent softball team, my Junior year they were dominating and everyone went to the games.  One night at a home game my friends and I went to support a couple of our friends on the team, we sat there in our sports bra’s, stomachs painted in our school letters and cheering like wild animals!  Right around the third inning I noticed a girl wearing jersey #2 walking out to warm up on the 3rd base outfield line.  She was medium height with a super petite build, her ponytail was perfectly pulled through the back of her cap and the way she smiled as she was putting her glove on I could see her smile line from the top of the bleachers.  I don’t ever recall seeing her before, I pointed her out to a couple of my friends and they said they had heard of a transfer student coming to play at our school but didn’t know if that was her or not.

We kept cheering our friends and our school team on, right around the bottom of the 6th inning we were up 9-2 and this cool breeze came from behind us.  The crisp smell of rain was following right behind it.  Everyone started to scatter back to their cars and over to the concession stand, the ump signaled to the coaches and they determined the game would go into a rain delay.  As the teams were funneling out of the dugouts to go back to the locker rooms, my friends and I were following suit but getting ready to head to the basketball gym to shoot around while we waited.   We were walking behind the team when I noticed number 2 was jogging back to the dugout, I told my friends I’d catch up and turned to jog next to her.  When we got under the dugout I stuck my hand out and introduced myself, I said “Hey!  I’m Cayla!  I play on the basketball team here, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before, are you the superstar transfer?”  She laughed and said “I wouldn’t say superstar but yes, I transferred in to play; I’m Katy.”  I kept catching myself staring at her eyes, they were these light green color that just kept distracting me.  Every time I started to talk, I’d catch a glimpse and not be able to remember what I was going to say.  She sat down on the bench and was still looking through her bag when I finally asked what she was looking for, she was looking for her phone.  I smiled and said “well four eyes are better than two, so let me help.”  After a few mins I grabbed a phone that was in one of the cubbie’s and asked if it was hers.  She jumped up and hugged me tightly squeezing my neck and yelling thank you!  I hugged her back and didn’t want to let go, she quickly pushed away though and I immediately stepped back, worried I did something wrong.  She checked her phone for a second and looked at me, she then asked “you’re Cayla, like the Cayla that likes girls?”  I looked down, worried that she was uncomfortable around me now and just shook my head yes.  I felt her step towards me, she touched the side of my face and said “I know gossip sucks, it’s one of the reasons I had to transfer.  My previous school was nothing but drama.”  I looked up and those light green eyes were there, right there, so close to mine our noses were about to touch.  I told her how beautiful her eyes were to me and I couldn’t focus any time I looked at them.  She blushed and kissed me on my cheek.  Continue reading “Katy”