Love is easy

I don’t care what anybody says. Its not hard to be loyal. Its not hard to be faithful. Its not hard to treat someone right. Its not hard to give someone reassurance. Its not hard to stick to one person. Its not hard to acknowledge someone’s worth. Its not hard to NOT break someone’s heart.

It’s exhausting loving someone and treating someone with their best interest at heart but when do you put your best interest first?

When do you say enough is enough, when do you stop giving so many extra chances?

I’ll always give you my best shot, I’ll always give you 110%. I’ll always give you everything I can but if it starts to seem like a one way relationship or it’s always me trying to make it work. I can’t promise you I’ll stick around.

If I’m giving you my attention and time and I’m involving you in my world or at least attempting to…I am doing it because I want you to be a part of my life, because I want more with you.

Everyone says “I’m not like the rest.” The thing is though I’m not, you just have to give me the chance to prove it. You’ve got to give me a real chance!

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Only Human

“Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.”

Everything nowadays seems to be about race, culture, religion, body image and popularity. Everyone strives to be “insta famous” or “go viral.” When the world and the human race needs more kindness, more understanding and all around more love. The world needs more GOOD HUMANS.

Do you demonstrate love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, humility, patience, faithfulness, self control, consideration, integrity, dignity and accountability. Do you walk in forgiveness and understanding of others. There are few people today who fall into any of these categories and if you find one, run with that person because that person is positive and someone you can always count on as not just a true friend but a good human.

No one is perfect, no one is consistently any of these qualities above but everyone can try. If everyone tried a little harder every day to even be just a decent human, this world we all live in, this world we are raising kids in would be an even more beautiful place than it already is.

BE A GOOD HUMAN IN YOUR OWN WAY

At the end of the day, you are the one who people will always be thankful for because their lives wouldn’t be the same without you.

Don’t forget we are all ONLY HUMAN!

**if you’d like to get the shirt I’m wearing or any other shirts, hats or stickers! Check out Only Human Co.

USE THE CODE: “OHcaylaw” for 15% off!

So this is what healing feels like..

I made everything about you for so long, that is changing now.

You were a mystery to everyone but me, I knew all of your secrets, every curve on your body and I loved that I knew it all while everyone else wondered. Now I sit here, wishing I could forget everything about you, I’m petrified that you’re an intimacy I’ll never recover from.

Opening up my soul, opening up my heart. I’m more than hesitant, I constantly avoid it at all costs. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak because when I let someone in, they end up breaking my heart worse than the previous.

I stopped letting people in, I stayed as a “hookup” for many girls for a while because it was easier than trusting them with my heart.

I let you in though, I let my walls down; I gave you all of me.

I’ve gone through so many ups and downs through this but I know I’ll be okay in the end.

This heartbreak is different than the rest though, it’s a constant ache. This is a heartbreak I won’t forget because it’s the one that made me better, I didn’t turn to other girls, drugs or alcohol to move on from you. I’ve set goals and I’m demolishing them, instead of letting this one break me, I am making my life one that a heartbreak can’t hurt any longer.

It’s time to make my life about me now.

K

I’ll start this one with some background before getting into it. I went to college in West Virginia and most of the sports teams had “team houses” AKA party centrals. There was the football house which was known for the slip and slide, Cornhole, flip cup relay races. The cheerleaders house which was almost always pre-gaming before going out to Wiseguyz and the basketball house which was GACKME party house! We’d always bounce between the houses each week, a crazy blend of people that always got along and had an amazing time.

Fall time in West Virginia is almost all college students favorite time, it’s football season, bonfires, (in West Virginia it means couch burning) and yes parties galore! This one Sunday afternoon in late September our football team stomped on West Virginia Wesleyan, the post game party was at the football house. We all rushed home and showered, rallied and headed down the street to party! The house was packed and the keg stands were already happening, there was a huge bonfire in the backyard and the smell of West Virginia fall was perfect!

We all were outside by the bonfire, drinking, talking and smoking, one of the cheerleaders (we will call her “K”) was talking to me about where I’m from and what Florida was like. It was an innocent conversation at first but as the drinks kept coming we were sitting closer and closer, she was starting to ask about what it’s like to be with a girl and that she had never been curious until recently. I tend to gain liquid courage as I drink, I mean who doesn’t really? So my first response was honest and then she had asked more detailed questions and I said “it’d be easier to just show you.” I could see her cheeks blushing even with the glow of the fire reflecting off her face. We had plenty of alcohol and I took the chance, I placed my hand under her chin and pulled her into my kiss. We sat there kissing for a bit and I said “you know we can leave or just go upstairs.” She grabbed my hand and we walked inside and up the stair way, we went to the bathroom and I shut the door behind us. We stood there kissing for a second and I asked if she was sure about this. She shook her head yes and continued to kiss me, I picked her up, her legs wrapped around my waist, I pushed everything on the edge of the counter away and I placed her there, next to the sink with her back against the mirror. We were kissing and her dress was pushed up above her hips. I slid her thong to the side so I could push my fingers against her clit, she gripped my back and pulled on my shirt so hard it was choking me with the pressure against my throat.

Continue reading “K”

Macy

Growing up in my family meant multiple vacations a year in Chokoloskee spent fishing with family and friends. I loved every vacation we had there.

This one year in particular we went with several of my parents friends and their families. I was freshly 21 years old, went through an extremely ugly break up and drinking all kinds of alcohol. My parents one friend Macy, was recently separated from her husband and we had gotten to talking just in general, we had several things in common. We made drinks and spent the first evening there making Jell-O shots for everyone so they could cool over night. We mixed the blue jello with vodka, the red with rum and the green with tequila. We had the place to our selves and were just talking more about our most recent heartbreaks while we took turns passing the left over liquor bottles back and forth taking shots out of each. I came up with the genius idea of playing “Never have I ever.”

Almost everyone knows about this game, it’s a fun way to learn “fun facts” about your friends. The questions vary from “never have I ever kissed a girl” to “never have I ever popped a Molly” to anything else you can think of that you haven’t done, that someone else playing has done. If anyone in the group HAS done it, then they’d have to drink. So now it’s just the two of us playing and obviously we are getting drunk extremely fast.

We were like two teenage girls giggling and leaning into each other on the couch. We had music playing and it was just genuinely a great memory. Macy and I ended up passing out that night on the couch, woke up the next morning around 6am to head out fishing for the day. We were all out on the water for hours that day, came back in for lunch and cooler refills. Before heading back out Macy came walking down the dock in these daisy duke shorts, the top button was undone so her bikini bottoms were peaking through, her tank top was in her hand and her gray bikini top with orange and gold designs was all I could see. I put the boat in neutral and told shouted for her to go out on the water with me this time! I was fishing on my own anyways, some company would be perfect. She hurried up, hopped on and we were off. A side note you need to understand is Choko is also called 10,000 islands. There are so many islands to get lost in and different fishing areas, finding privacy out there isn’t hard at all. So I get the boat on a plane and run south down to one of the fishing spots I know of. As I’m running, I kept glancing over and couldn’t help but to begin to notice how attractive Macy is. Yes she’s much older than I was but she had this short burgundy hair that fit her fave perfectly and when she wasn’t wearing her glasses, I could see these darker green specks in her eyes when the sun hit them at certain angles.

She was sitting next to me and was relatively close to me, but I was comfortable with her so it wasn’t a big deal.

We got to the fishing spot, I slowed the boat to a stop just off the islands ledge and oyster bar. I put the power pole down and rigged both rods up with popping corks while she made us both a drink. We did a “cheers” and cast our lines out, music playing and our conversation started back up from the previous night, talking and spending time with Macy was like hanging out with a long lost friend. I was comfortable, I was able to be myself and I was happy in the moment. After a couple hours of fishing we had gotten a couple keepers and decided to let the boat drift along the back of the islands and we laid out towels and relaxed, enjoying the sunset, music, drinks and salty air. Somehow the conversation turned into Macy questioning if she preferred women over men. I said “I’ve only been with girls that choose men, they tell me there’s a comfort level when they’re with me that they feel safe to explore their curiosity.” She sat half way up, there was a look of relief on her face. I asked what was wrong, she took a big swig from her cup looked at me and said “your parents can’t know this happens.”

Continue reading “Macy”

Molly

A few times a year my family and I go fishing on the west coast of Florida to this beautiful little island called Chokoloskee. This was one of the first vacations there I decided to bring my girlfriend, Molly and I dated for a few months before she went on a family vacation with us there. Just so you have some insight, Molly’s family wasn’t very accepting of us. Her mom would always pray with her before any trip but this one, she didn’t; Molly even asked and she wouldn’t. Before getting on the road, we stopped for gas and while the pump was on I walked over to her side of the truck, I grabbed her hands and I prayed for our trip, I prayed that the fishing God’s would take care of our catches and I prayed with everything in me that her mom would open her heart to this. (She never did but I did all I knew how to in that moment.) We got on the road and it was pure bliss, just us two driving with my hand stretched across on her leg, 90’s and 2000’s music playing. She was taking hundreds of photos of us and kept leaning over to place her head on my shoulder, I was on top of the world in that moment. We got to the vacation house where everyone already was setting up, we had our camper there and we roamed the island before unloading and heading down to the dock and boats. She walked everywhere with me while holding my hand, she’d sneak kisses and hugs every chance she got. We grabbed some beers and headed out on the golf cart to go show her Worley Street and the other parts of the island like Small woods museum and store.By the time the sun was going down we had put back several beers each and had a decent buzz going, we headed back to the camper to put the golf cart away, then went to meet everyone at the tiki bar where they were grilling up dinner. It is always an amazing time out there and with Molly by my side this trip, it was the best yet.

The liquor was brought out at some point, somewhat of a blur but I know it was followed with nothing but smiles and laughs.It was officially dark out and we had cleaned up dinner, everyone was heading back up to the campers for showers and calling it a night.

Now to give you a bit of a background into this, I was Molly’s first (and only) girlfriend and I had been asking her to “sit on my face” but she was never comfortable doing it.

**PSA TO ALL GIRLS – YOU WILL NOT SUFFOCATE SOMEONE BY SITTING ON THEIR FACE, OKAY?!**

Okay, back to my story…

After a day full of alcohol and day drinking, she came into our room after her shower in just her towel, she laid next to me, kissed my cheek and whispered “I want to try it.” I turned my head, super confused and said “try what?” She pushed me back onto the pillow, put her hands on my shoulders. Her towel dropped and revealed her still slightly wet body from the shower. She pulled one leg over me, leaned down kissed me one time on the lips, shot this innocent but oh so evil smirk at me and goes “Everyone went to bed, I’m going to sit on your face.” I definitely was NOT about to put up a fight, I had been practically begging her for months to let this happen. I laid back as she slowly kneeled so her clit was right above my lips, I grabbed her hips and pulled my mouth into her. I felt her hips twitch forward and she let herself ease down a bit more, her arms were pressed against the wall as she began to rock against my tongue while I just kept pulling her hips into me. She reached down and had a grip of my hair, I opened my eyes to enjoy the view and let me tell you what. It was perfection, I looked up and just admired everything about her right then, the way her hips were moving, her belly button sucking in with her stomach as she had a grip of my hair with one hand and her other hand was running through her own hair, her head was leaned so far back, her jawline was so refined. Her gasps were getting shorter but louder when finally she pushed her hips back, bent over me and as she caught herself on the wall, I heard what sounded like someone breaking the wooden board in karate. She popped up and threw her towel back on while whispering “oh my god, oh shit, oh my god!”Well ladies and gentleman, she lost her grip and put her hand through the wall that just so happened to be connected to my parents bedroom. We did what anyone would’ve done in that scenario, propped up a pillow, laid down and pretended to be asleep.The next morning I woke up early, went outside and picked a couple flowers from the flower bed.  I made a quick breakfast, English muffin with Nutella, sliced up banana and a chocolate donut.  As I was walking towards our room, my dad came around the corner and said “so, how’d you sleep?” There was that all knowing look in his eyes I tried to see past as I said “we passed out, so fine.” He laughed and goes “just fix the wall.”Needless to say the rest of vacation we kept our heads low and didn’t drink much.

The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.