The one that got away

I thought I knew what heart break was, what infatuation was, what lust was, most importantly I thought I knew what love was. Little did I know you would change all of that, you would change my beliefs, you would change my life. When someone attractive enters into your sight your pupils dilate 20%. When someone falls in love their brain fills with dopamine, just like narcotics. You were my drug, 5 years clean when I met you and I became addicted without even having a hit. We met in the most random way as complete strangers, yet it felt like we knew each other forever. I became addicted to your name coming across my phone, whether it was Snapchat, instagram, Facebook or text. Knowing you were thinking of me to message me, it was what I relied on. The first time I met you in person my heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I was crazy about you right off the bat. I had never had such chemistry with someone like this. You were my wildest dreams come true, I knew in that moment that you were it for me. No one would ever compete, no one would ever hold a candle to you. Meeting you was a door that needed opened in my life, my heart and my soul. Falling for you was out of my own control and I honestly don’t regret any of it. You gave me the best year of memories, you gave me a year of love I thought I had lost forever, you gave me an entire year of happiness along with heartache but the good out weighed the bad by far. I didn’t think love existed any longer, I lost all care in being a hopeless romantic, gift giving and birthdays. I took a chance because the chance of everything working out and us having a happily ever after was the one thing I held on to. I just wanted a forever with you, I dreamt of a forever with you. I could’ve kept dreaming, hoping and praying but it doesn’t matter if only one of us had this dream and aspiration. I thought we were on the same page for the longest time, we even talked about a future and life together. Yet at the end of it all, we still didn’t end up together. My heart was crushed, sick to my stomach, the nauseous feeling overcame my entire body. I had no desire to be alive, when the alcohol wasn’t enough to forget you, to forget my heartbreak I even thought about using again just to forget. I needed, I still need my brain to rest, my memories to fade, my heart to stop hurting. You’re the one that got away, my forever “what if.” I’ll never know what we could’ve been, what we should’ve been. I still dream about it and if that’s all I will ever get to have, I’ll hold onto and cherish because you’re the best thing that’s never been mine. I love you forever and always. I can’t help but think that there’s someone for everyone.. except me.

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The sun and her flowers

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I never really thought I would be a poetry fan until a book my friend suggested I read was brought into my life.  A book by Rupi Kaur called The sun and her flowers.

This book brought meaning to “moving on” and getting past relationships and heart breaks I never thought I’d move on from.  This one page in particular, “you are waiting for someone who is not coming back..”

Why do some of us put our lives on hold and play the waiting game, do we think that little our ourselves, our dreams and our aspirations that we are willing to allow people in and out of our lives as they please?  If someone can’t decide or doesn’t have a dying urge to need you in their lives the way you think you need them in yours; why are we so quick to put ourselves on a back burner for people that clearly our love isn’t enough for.

Why do we chase what doesn’t want to be caught?

In the words of Rupi Kaur “Realizations don’t work like that.” Even if they realized they can’t live without you, did they truly realize it or are they just choosing you?  Love isn’t a choice, it’s not circumstantial.   Love is just Love and if someone has to “choose” you, you deserve way more!

(I got the book on the below link!)