I wrote your post a week ago and you’ve been stuck on my mind since.
The memories that the drugs had erased are crashing back into me relentlessly.
I’ve been remembering vividly the way your hands fit into mine, the way you’d pull my arm into you while we were cuddling. It’s crazy how my lips remember the way it felt to kiss you, I can feel it all as if we were together yesterday. Your voice rings gently through my head, the softness in your tone.. it’s all clear as day.
I keep pushing the thoughts away, the slight wish for a “do-over” but I’ll keep pushing them away until you say otherwise.
This isn’t a fun post for me to write, it’s actually one that scares me to write. Very few know this story but I had a nightmare last night and felt now was the time to post it.
Continue reading “I didn’t say Yes..”
Pages turn, chapters end and those endings NEVER come out how you would’ve thought or expected. True colors can be the greatest or the worst experience in your life, people you thought you knew; you discover they’re somebody completely different. Time changes everyone, some for better and others for worse. Lessons get learned whether you’re ready to be taught or not.
I’m not the best runner but I continue to run. Running is the alone time that allows my brain to untangle the webs that have built up in my mind over the past day or two.
Despite the pain, because it heals my emotional pain.
Despite the self-doubt, because when I’m done – I’ve conquered myself.
Despite the chaos in my life, running allows me to find peace within myself.
When I’m feeling stressed, sad, happy or I just need to clear my head – I run.
The running path is a great listener and it’s free therapy.
My favorite little saying is: Turn your headphones on and turn the world off.
These headphones are my absolute favorite, they are Bluetooth and sound cancelling. Amazon has a few color options and they ship straight to you! Check them out by clicking on them below!
You are cunning, baffling and powerful.
You caught me by surprise, you pretended to be my friend and my lover all in one.
You gave me comfort, you were there when I was lonely. When I didn’t want to go on any longer, there you were.
You made me hurt and cry but would then make me so numb I wouldn’t be bothered by the two. You allowed me to stop feeling completely. You were an instant gratification.
You made me popular, we were the life of the party. Everyone wanted to be with us.
I never believed anyone that said you would destroy me, hurt me and have the potential to kill me. Heart attacks kill, car crashes kill, cancer kills. You kill.
You didn’t kill me though, you temporarily drained me. You emptied my soul and changed who I was. I can’t explain it or excuse it but I own it. I own all of my mistakes, all of my wrong doings and all of my truths.
I don’t know how many times I said “this is my last time.” It’s way too many to count, there is no explanation or grand revelation. All that matters is I’m better now, I’m not cured but I’m better.